Emotionally distant fathers

[Helios]

Anything can be learned even if its contrary to your normal baseline. That can also include some level of emotional attunement.

Are you putting me in therapy?

 

[Sophisticate]

Are you putting me in therapy?

 

[Helios]

Tbh its more than learning how to say the right things to comfort someone, it's really meaning them and that's what I struggle with. Its more calculated that emotional which makes me feel sociopathic

 

[Sophisticate]

Tbh its more than learning how to say the right things to comfort someone, it's really meaning them and that's what I struggle with. Its more calculated that emotional which makes me feel sociopathic
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Waryaa, it doesn't matter how you feel rather its the other party's feelings which are more important in the interaction. The emotions you project could be contrived but as long as the other party is none the wiser its all kosher.

 

[Helios]

Waryaa, it doesn't matter how you feel rather its the other party's feelings which are more important in the interaction. The emotions you project could be contrived but as long as the other party is none the wiser its all kosher.

K then I don't have a problem with that but I want it to be genuine. That can't be taught prob comes with experience but with a spouse ones you suffer and go through challenges together that just comes naturally I hope.

 

[Daacad90]

I was just wondering if any women here have grown up with distant fathers. My father has never been a warm person. He keeps his distance from me and sometimes berates/insults me if he feels like I’m not behaving in the manner that he would like. I feel like it has negatively affected me as a young adult. I behaved in risky behavior and yearned for approval from other men. The crazy thing is that many of my female Somali friends and cousins have dealt with the same thing. I’m really starting to wonder if it’s a common experience in our community. Is anyone else going through the same?

Same sis

 

[Southerner]

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[Sophisticate]

K then I don't have a problem with that but I want it to be genuine. That can't be taught prob comes with experience but with a spouse ones you suffer and go through challenges together that just comes naturally I hope.

You're kind of young. Give it time, bro.

 

[Helios]

You're kind of young. Give it time, bro.

Ugh being old can't imagine

 

[Sophisticate]

Ugh being old can't imagine

You'll arrive there or somewhere else I dare not mention. Let's cover your ears to shield your naive self from life's eventualities. But to illustrate it I suggest you watch All Dogs go to Heaven.

 

[Helios]

You'll arrive there or somewhere else I dare not mention. Let's cover your ears to shield your naive self from life's eventualities. But to illustrate it I suggest you watch All Dogs go to Heaven.

Age is a mindset soph

 

[Hue_Man]

Great points. Somali parenting is subpar. They think providing food, shelter and security is equivalent to raising a child. There’s a lack of communication, understanding, emotional growth and support and professional guidance. They also intervene when it’s far too late and there’s not much that could be done to rectify the situation.

They don’t teach their kids when they’re young and impressionable but expect the community to help raise their child. They are reactive parents and not pro-active.

They rely on ceeb culture/social control to set their kid straight, which might have worked back home but it doesn’t work in this environment. They need to be more involved emotionally and be more conscientious parents.

This is so true lol. Ceeb and social control doesn’t work in a gaalo culture only works back home in religious communities.

I would say immigrant parents are very passive in raising there kids. Imagine raising your kids in a foreign land that communication barrier will only set off a can of worms.

 

[Hue_Man]

i thinks a generational thing... our parents teaching what they learnt from their parents

Yes but when you’re in a gaalo country the dynamics is different lol.

 

[Hue_Man]

Your dad sounds like a beta male, who married to a freak. I hope you became like your mother

This is gonna be the norm in western society hhhh. I’ve seen many dominant women with weak beta husbands. Hhh

 

[Hue_Man]

The amount of Somali girls I have met with daddy issues whew. If I ever have a daughter I’ll make sure I show her all the love in the world inshallah.

I’ll find myself a girl with daddy issues hhhh

 

[KingSomali999]

Your a young adult so take responsibility. Whatever happens already happened so take accountability, your not 11 year olds

 

[BobSmoke]

Physical or emotional pain is in inevitable, unavoidable and most of the times necessary for your growth, but suffering is completely optional and of your own making.

The greatest difficulty about pain is not the pain itself but your reaction to it and your interpretation of it, both of these are in your realm of control, hence why suffering is optional.

Your lucky that you have a father who is present, the majority of girls your age don't, many more don't even know who there father is, while others wished he was still alive.

There are good reasons as to why your father is like that, you stated he is disappointed in you, while you blame him for your insecurities that is making you seek approval from male's other then your own Father, why on earth would you not seek his?

This is double talk and selfishness which hinders foresight and destroys empathy, the problem to me based on what you wrote is you not your father or mother.

To expect them to pamper you while you disappoint them and refuse to listen is lunacy, you would have ended up worse, highly entitled, weak and ungrateful, this is all worse then the "insecurities" you complain about.

Be the daughter your father wants you to be and if your confused what that entails, enquire about this when the moment is right and he is in a relaxed mood.

It's not there fault for not knowing how pathetically weak this new generation is, mind you there own fathers who raised them (your grandfather) were fighting colonialists, those are the tough kind of households they were raised in.

Bingo. Exactly my thoughts

Took me time to shift from the perspective of "woe is me" when I reflected on it. I had to ask my parents a bunch of questions about their life from their upbringing all the way up to this point. I asked them how they felt, although I got some stoic answers, I had to read between the lines and put myself in their shoes. I pictured myself how would I pan out if I lived exactly how my father lived. I understood him deeply and I stopped blaming him for his emotionally distant ways.

Another breakthrough was learning about attachment theories and learning to identify my parents and siblings by asking questions helped me tremendously when it came to communicating with them and reaching a middle ground.

Your post is great. Being brutally to ourselves is the first step.

As children to our parents, how we turn out is nobody's responsibility but ours. We can't let our parents direct our growth because their job is done and they have their own wounds to deal with. At this point forward, it's on us to heal our wounds and keep it pushing.

 

[jabsveg276]

I was just wondering if any women here have grown up with distant fathers. My father has never been a warm person. He keeps his distance from me and sometimes berates/insults me if he feels like I’m not behaving in the manner that he would like. I feel like it has negatively affected me as a young adult. I behaved in risky behavior and yearned for approval from other men. The crazy thing is that many of my female Somali friends and cousins have dealt with the same thing. I’m really starting to wonder if it’s a common experience in our community. Is anyone else going through the same?

my dad always showed love but he wasn’t always around.

 

[Onyxbrainster]

My childhood was dysfunctional. I am still healing from all of this. It affected me really badly. I'm talking I was craving for male validation and would allow men to talk and treat me in all sorts of ways, just so I could have a man giving me attention. I've gone to therapy, and joined support groups online. It's very hard, but talking to someone about this is so important. Don't bottle your problems in.

 

[Shimbiris]

I plan to only speak to my children at the end of every year where they will give me a military style annual report on their goings on and refer to me customarily as "Excellency".