Steamdevolopment
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I was born on Feb 5th ‘92 in Mogodishu. When I was few weeks old my family left Somalia cause they were in danger. My family was upper class oo dad lacag leh. After my ayeeyo and my aunt got abducted by their own neighbours, my grandfather told everyone to leave ASAP. My family couldn’t trust anyone anymore. Since we already had family members living in the west all we had to do was get our papers sorted and get on the plane. We stayed few months in Ethiopia... Few weeks before our departure to Europe my father didn’t make it. He passed away. He was only 24 years old. I have never known my father, I only know him through the stories that my mother shared with me. After he was layed to rest my family left Ethiopia. I was 9 months old when I was brought here. I have never went back home. In shaa Allah that will change soon. I was taught alot about my birth country. As a kid I did presentation at school about Somalia. I was so proud. My mother never allowed the images on tv about our country influence me. She was and still is a True wadani. She taught me how to speak and write Somali when I turned 10.
In my teen years I became a rebel without a cause. I did not give a damn. I just wanted to be young, wild and free. I was a wild party girl, my mum would send every weekend my cousins to find me. They would look for me in every club and every bar in the city. I even called the police on one of my cousins when I was 17.. I didn’t wanted to leave with him so he slapped me. I am not gonna go into too much details about my wild party girl days. Let’s just say I have lived . At 19 I started LAW school.. I come from a very educated family so I had no choice but to go to university. Plus I wanted to make my mother proud since I’ve made her suffer for so many years. Early on I’ve discovered that it was not for me but I didn’t know how to tell hooyo.. I’ve already disappointed her so many times I just couldn’t do it. So I have dropped out without telling her. She eventually of course found out and it wasn’t pretty. She didn’t speak to me for two days. She called my abti in London and asked him if I could stay with him for awhile. What my family didn’t know at this point was that I was suffering from severe depression. Before I left she invited couple of wadaads to read Quran on me.. but what they didn’t know was that I stopped believing in Islam years ago. My family knew I was not religious and did everything that was haram. But they just didn’t think I would actually leave. They just thought I was a wild teen nothing more and nothing less. I decided to tell my mother because I felt like she deserved to know the truth. We had a serious argument. My grandma told her that there’s not much she could now besides Dua. We didn’t really speak much after that. I left for London. I didn’t really wanna go but I didn’t really have much of a choice. I was there for about two weeks when hooyo decided to come get me. We had a long conversation, she told me that my ayeeyo has not slept for two weeks and that home isn’t home anymore without me. She also told me no matter how difficult it is for her that I left Islam that I was still her one and only daughter and nothing would change. After that Alhamdulilah our bond became stronger than ever! Unfortunately ayeeyo’s health got worse. Ayeeyo had a kidney failure and needed dialysis treatment asap. 3 times a week she had to go to hospital. Hooyo couldn’t do it on her own anymore.
We had to do this together as a family. In 2014 we moved to a German city near the Dutch border. We would switch shifts on who will stay up with ayeeyo and who will take her to hospital. I had to give up my Social life and my personal life for 2 years. But it was all worth it. If I had to do it again .. I would. I could never repay ayeeyo for how she took care of me all those years. I could never. On May 2nd 2016 at 17:30 the love of my life, my best friend, my whole world past away. Just thinking about it makes me emotional. It was the worse time of my life. After Ayeeyo’s death I went back to my party girl ways. It was my way of dealing with grief. I didn’t have any faith to fall back on so alcohol and cigarettes became my remedy. Around last year I started having doubts about Atheism something was not right. So I started looking into different religions etc. The beginning of this year I joined a private Somali Gaalo group. This was my first time meeting so many Gaalo Somalis. I always taught it was just my friend and I. Most of my friends were Dutch and the only Somalis I have dealt with were my family that’s it. A new world has opened up for me. But it didn’t last long I started to realise that we didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. I’ve decided to leave the whole Somali Gaalo community. I felt like I was in a cult and anyone who knows me knows that I can’t stand pple who can’t think for themselves. I said to myself “ I don’t need them. I am lone wolf anyways” slowly I started interacting with more Somali Muslims, some of them became very close friends of mine. I felt more comfortable with them then I did with Gaalo Somalis. I didn’t understand that I was thinking you do not even share faith with them but they treat you like family. I became more and more curious about Islam. So I started watching Islamic video’s on YouTube I didn’t share that with anyone. At the same time I was looking into Christianity I thought that, that would fit me better since I was so westernized. One day my mother and I were talking about religion and I told her about my new found love, Christianity. She was not to pleased to say the least. She said if you are going to believe in a Deen why don’t you return to the faith of your fore fathers. We had a long chat about it, hooyo became very emotional it was the first time in years I have seen her cry about me leaving Islam. She begged me to give it one more chance. If I still don’t want to revert after that she would never bring it up again. I said “ deal.
I’ll do it for you hooyo” that night I’ve downloaded a Quran app. I turned on Surah Baqarah Wallahi the second I heard it I knew that a man didn’t not come up with this! It was the word of God. I had Goosebumps all over my body, I started to shake, any doubt I had about Islam was gone! I said the shahada and slept like a baby. In the morning I woke up for fajr. My mother couldn’t believe her eyes. She broke down and we hugged. We prayed together and I said the shahada again with her. It was the most beautiful moment of my life.
This year has been a rollercoaster ride. I had had ups and downs. But overall it has been a good year Alhamdulilah. I’ve started Medical school, I finally got help for my depression and most importantly I have returned to my beautiful Deen ! Allahu Akbar.
In my teen years I became a rebel without a cause. I did not give a damn. I just wanted to be young, wild and free. I was a wild party girl, my mum would send every weekend my cousins to find me. They would look for me in every club and every bar in the city. I even called the police on one of my cousins when I was 17.. I didn’t wanted to leave with him so he slapped me. I am not gonna go into too much details about my wild party girl days. Let’s just say I have lived . At 19 I started LAW school.. I come from a very educated family so I had no choice but to go to university. Plus I wanted to make my mother proud since I’ve made her suffer for so many years. Early on I’ve discovered that it was not for me but I didn’t know how to tell hooyo.. I’ve already disappointed her so many times I just couldn’t do it. So I have dropped out without telling her. She eventually of course found out and it wasn’t pretty. She didn’t speak to me for two days. She called my abti in London and asked him if I could stay with him for awhile. What my family didn’t know at this point was that I was suffering from severe depression. Before I left she invited couple of wadaads to read Quran on me.. but what they didn’t know was that I stopped believing in Islam years ago. My family knew I was not religious and did everything that was haram. But they just didn’t think I would actually leave. They just thought I was a wild teen nothing more and nothing less. I decided to tell my mother because I felt like she deserved to know the truth. We had a serious argument. My grandma told her that there’s not much she could now besides Dua. We didn’t really speak much after that. I left for London. I didn’t really wanna go but I didn’t really have much of a choice. I was there for about two weeks when hooyo decided to come get me. We had a long conversation, she told me that my ayeeyo has not slept for two weeks and that home isn’t home anymore without me. She also told me no matter how difficult it is for her that I left Islam that I was still her one and only daughter and nothing would change. After that Alhamdulilah our bond became stronger than ever! Unfortunately ayeeyo’s health got worse. Ayeeyo had a kidney failure and needed dialysis treatment asap. 3 times a week she had to go to hospital. Hooyo couldn’t do it on her own anymore.
We had to do this together as a family. In 2014 we moved to a German city near the Dutch border. We would switch shifts on who will stay up with ayeeyo and who will take her to hospital. I had to give up my Social life and my personal life for 2 years. But it was all worth it. If I had to do it again .. I would. I could never repay ayeeyo for how she took care of me all those years. I could never. On May 2nd 2016 at 17:30 the love of my life, my best friend, my whole world past away. Just thinking about it makes me emotional. It was the worse time of my life. After Ayeeyo’s death I went back to my party girl ways. It was my way of dealing with grief. I didn’t have any faith to fall back on so alcohol and cigarettes became my remedy. Around last year I started having doubts about Atheism something was not right. So I started looking into different religions etc. The beginning of this year I joined a private Somali Gaalo group. This was my first time meeting so many Gaalo Somalis. I always taught it was just my friend and I. Most of my friends were Dutch and the only Somalis I have dealt with were my family that’s it. A new world has opened up for me. But it didn’t last long I started to realise that we didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. I’ve decided to leave the whole Somali Gaalo community. I felt like I was in a cult and anyone who knows me knows that I can’t stand pple who can’t think for themselves. I said to myself “ I don’t need them. I am lone wolf anyways” slowly I started interacting with more Somali Muslims, some of them became very close friends of mine. I felt more comfortable with them then I did with Gaalo Somalis. I didn’t understand that I was thinking you do not even share faith with them but they treat you like family. I became more and more curious about Islam. So I started watching Islamic video’s on YouTube I didn’t share that with anyone. At the same time I was looking into Christianity I thought that, that would fit me better since I was so westernized. One day my mother and I were talking about religion and I told her about my new found love, Christianity. She was not to pleased to say the least. She said if you are going to believe in a Deen why don’t you return to the faith of your fore fathers. We had a long chat about it, hooyo became very emotional it was the first time in years I have seen her cry about me leaving Islam. She begged me to give it one more chance. If I still don’t want to revert after that she would never bring it up again. I said “ deal.
I’ll do it for you hooyo” that night I’ve downloaded a Quran app. I turned on Surah Baqarah Wallahi the second I heard it I knew that a man didn’t not come up with this! It was the word of God. I had Goosebumps all over my body, I started to shake, any doubt I had about Islam was gone! I said the shahada and slept like a baby. In the morning I woke up for fajr. My mother couldn’t believe her eyes. She broke down and we hugged. We prayed together and I said the shahada again with her. It was the most beautiful moment of my life.
This year has been a rollercoaster ride. I had had ups and downs. But overall it has been a good year Alhamdulilah. I’ve started Medical school, I finally got help for my depression and most importantly I have returned to my beautiful Deen ! Allahu Akbar.
you ain't an atheist
