I am scared of marriage

[Sonder]

Because I don’t want to lose my virginity.

 

[Boogie]

Stay single then

 

[bobsburger]

Yea I can't lose it because I hate losing.

 

[486th President]

Could you tell us why? Serious question is why are you scared?

 

[QueenofKings]

Why are you scared? Are your parents super conservative?

 

[Angelina]

What is scary about losing your virginity? Is it the pain? Or are you disgusted by intimacy? Or is it the idea you're no longer a virgin?

I think over emphasizing purity with regards to virginity can cause this problem. Not being a virgin doesn't make you impure. Sex is natural. Not being chaste is what makes you impure.

 

[Sonder]

What is scary about losing your virginity? Is it the pain? Or are you disgusted by intimacy? Or is it the idea you're no longer a virgin?

I think over emphasizing purity with regards to virginity can cause this problem. Not being a virgin doesn't make you impure. Sex is natural. Not being chaste is what makes you impure.

That’s what I want to believe, but you know how most somalis are...

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[Sonder]

Why are you scared? Are your parents super conservative?

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[Marshall D Abdi]

That’s what I want to believe, but you know how most somalis are...

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Sex is part of our life, are u afraid because of habaryars or just not mental prepared

you see our somali ppl be poppin at least 8-10 ciyaal without showing no visible love to each other. But everyone gets along with each other no gossip

 

[Angelina]

That’s what I want to believe, but you know how most somalis are...

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Why would people gossip when everyone expects you to get married?

Who are going to gossip? Habayars with 6 kids who aren't virgins themselves?




In Somali culture, no one expects you to be a virgin for life. If you're not married by a certain age, they start to pity you.

 

[Sonder]

Sex is part of our life, are u afraid because of habaryars or just not mental prepared

you see our somali ppl be poppin at least 8-10 ciyaal without showing no visible love to each other. But everyone gets along with each other no gossip

Ok serious question: I think most somali parents don’t show their love, but even though it might seem like they don’t love eachother (to us kids), do they?

 

[Sonder]

What is scary about losing your virginity? Is it the pain? Or are you disgusted by intimacy? Or is it the idea you're no longer a virgin?

I think over emphasizing purity with regards to virginity can cause this problem. Not being a virgin doesn't make you impure. Sex is natural. Not being chaste is what makes you impure.

Also for some reason, when I think lf having intimacy with a man I just think of rape, shit makes my ovaries shrivel

 

[QueenofKings]

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Damn that’s messed up. Im sorry you had to go through that. Probably easy for us to say ignore these things etc but it must be difficult for you if it’s your upbringing. I think learning more about Islam and reflecting on Allahs mercy and kindness might help though.

Also the audacity of these people to make haram or taboo what Allah has blessed. It says more about their insecurity than what Islam says about intimacy in marriage.

 

[Sonder]

Damn that’s messed up. Im sorry you had to go through that. Probably easy for us to say ignore these things etc but it must be difficult for you if it’s your upbringing. I think learning more about Islam and reflecting on Allahs mercy and kindness might help though.

Also the audacity of these people to make haram or taboo what Allah has blessed. It says more about their insecurity than what Islam says about intimacy in marriage.

I don’t wnat to offend you, but I think a decent chunck of my problems stem from religion. The more religious I try to be, the more anxious and depressed I become

 

[Malikfiqi]

I don’t wnat to offend you, but I think a decent chunck of my problems stem from religion. The more religious I try to be, the more anxious and depressed I become

Religion is our salvation akhi

 

[QueenofKings]

I don’t wnat to offend you, but I think a decent chunck of my problems stem from religion. The more religious I try to be, the more anxious and depressed I become

Then you don’t understand the religion. You need to separate your family/societal culture form the facts of the Deen.

example: you have clearly been given the impression physical intimacy even in a marriage is strange. You weren’t born with that perception. You were taught it by being raised in an over zealous culture. But in Islam man and wife get ajar for having intimacy. It is a blessed union. So clearly the impression you were given is vastly different form what Islam actually teaches.

Example from what you’ve said it seems your family is more concerned about the hymen then the reason virginity is actually important. The hymen isn’t important in an of itself ( a lot of girls don’t even have it and lost it naturally). Chastity and protecting your body from abuse by random men is important. Islam teaches chastity and protecting ourselves from harm so we can live with dignity. Culture says the hymen is crucial (usually for shallow reasons like male pleasure or ego). See the difference?

So given all this how can reflecting on Allahs love for you and wanting you to protect yourself and live with dignity make you depressed??

Marmarsiyada iska dhaaf. Learn your Deen the right way.

 

[Angelina]

Damn that’s messed up. Im sorry you had to go through that. Probably easy for us to say ignore these things etc but it must be difficult for you if it’s your upbringing. I think learning more about Islam and reflecting on Allahs mercy and kindness might help though.

Also the audacity of these people to make haram or taboo what Allah has blessed. It says more about their insecurity than what Islam says about intimacy in marriage.

I think another big problem is putting women's value soley on what is between their legs. Being on this forum isn't much help as guys here routinely call divorced and widowed women as used/damaged goods. Women are indirectly taught that after sex even in a halal way plummets their value and that their own husband is using them. Instead of teaching women that sex is something natural, that happens between men and women, they are made to believe it is something that happens to them, rather than an activity they take part in just as much as their husband.

 

[Malikfiqi]

I think another big problem is putting women's value soley on what is between their legs. Being on this forum isn't much help as guys here routinely call divorced and widowed women as used/damaged goods. Women are indirectly taught that after sex even in a halal way plummets their value and that their own husband is using them. Instead of teaching women that sex is something natural, that happens between men and women, they are made to believe it is something that happens to them, rather than an activity they take part in just as much as their husband.

My theory is a more cultural shift that happened in Islam. How did islam go from Khadijah a wealthy upper class women choosing which man she’s going to marry to today. I think it was started by the Islamic invasions and the wealth and female slaves that came with it. As essentially the worth of a women plummeted her needs weren’t important anymore becuase any respectful man could replace her with a maid whom he could have relations with. That with the Mongol invasions which made women even more of a commodity and you have modern Islamic culture

 

[Sonder]

My theory is a more cultural shift that happened in Islam. How did islam go from Khadijah a wealthy upper class women choosing which man she’s going to marry to today. I think it was started by the Islamic invasions and the wealth and female slaves that came with it. As essentially the worth of a women plummeted her needs weren’t important anymore becuase any respectful man could replace her with a maid whom he could have relations with. That with the Mongol invasions which made women even more of a commodity and you have modern Islamic culture

How do you interpret this hadith? Your insight is helpful.

Sahih al-Bukhari 5079
Narrated Jabir bin `Abdullah:
While we were returning from a Ghazwa (Holy Battle) with the Prophet, I started driving my camel fast, as it was a lazy camel A rider came behind me and pricked my camel with a spear he had with him, and then my camel started running as fast as the best camel you may see. Behold! The rider was the Prophet (ﷺ) himself. He said, 'What makes you in such a hurry?" I replied, I am newly married " He said, "Did you marry a virgin or a matron? I replied, "A matron." He said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you may play with her and she with you?" When we were about to enter (Medina), the Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Wait so that you may enter (Medina) at night so that the lady of unkempt hair may comb her hair and the one whose husband has been absent may shave her pubic region.

 

[Malikfiqi]

How do you interpret this hadith? Your insight is helpful.

Sahih al-Bukhari 5079
Narrated Jabir bin `Abdullah:
While we were returning from a Ghazwa (Holy Battle) with the Prophet, I started driving my camel fast, as it was a lazy camel A rider came behind me and pricked my camel with a spear he had with him, and then my camel started running as fast as the best camel you may see. Behold! The rider was the Prophet (ﷺ) himself. He said, 'What makes you in such a hurry?" I replied, I am newly married " He said, "Did you marry a virgin or a matron? I replied, "A matron." He said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you may play with her and she with you?" When we were about to enter (Medina), the Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Wait so that you may enter (Medina) at night so that the lady of unkempt hair may comb her hair and the one whose husband has been absent may shave her pubic region.

The only insensitive a man at the time had to marrying an older women was wealth since pre Islamic women wouldn’t inherit it was up to the men they married and if the women were still fertile the children they produced to inherit the money. And the sahabi in this case was probably now wealthy enough to pay a bride price for a young women. It was always about money during that time, and in a way it still is.