Somali-Brits – the serial title collectors
They make up the majority of diasporans, and they love titles more than anything. Ask for the business card of a Somali-Brit in Mogadishu – before their name you’ll find at least three titles. Mohamed, a forklift driver from the rundown area of Harlesden in London, will be Pilot, Professor, Doctor, Diplomat Mohamed. Only Somali-Brits can fit so many titles on such small cards.
Titles are not the only thing they love, though. They are also seasoned penny pinchers. They dislike tipping more than they dislike Somalia’s notorious checkpoints, and spend many minutes negotiating the price of a US $5 meal. They are experts in Qudbosiro (secret marriages). The only time Somali-Brits are happy to part with cash is when they’re paying the dowry for a secret second wife. They have a habit of bribing the local Qaadis (men who conduct weddings) so that they don’t alert the first wife back in the UK.
The Americans – the Tea Party type
This bunch is loud, big and in clothes at least two sizes bigger than your usual Somali. From their dress sense it is difficult to tell whether they came from Dadaab or Denver. Some dress in FUBU and Karl Kani labels. Unlike the Brits they will tip – only $1 dollar – and then proudly tell the whole city about their ‘generous’ deed. Because they are used to American foodportions, they endlessly complain about the ‘small’ portions in local restaurants.
The Tea Party types obsessively boast about the small achievements they accomplished in American cities that the average Somali person will find impossible to find on a map – like the time they graduated from a beginner’s English language course ten years ago.
They are experts in local clan politics thanks to the liberal number of years they spent out of work and in tea shops in Minneapolis. They are Somalia’ tea party – their views and loyalty to their clans trumps everything.
They usually visit Somalia in large numbers after they have received their tax returns – the only time they can afford economy class tickets from Minneapolis to Mogadishu.
Every second sentence usually starts with, “I’m American, and you know in America…”
Despite their views corresponding with the Republican Party, they claim to vote for the Democratic Party.
The Canadians – Team Yolo (You Only Live Once)
They are ciyaalka xafada (the cool kids on the block) and mooryans (gangsters) in the making. They are everyone’s friends. This group treats life as a party and Somalia as a dance floor. They usually arrive with few things – like a minor criminal record and a Mongolian scripture tattoo they got while under the influence on a night out in Toronto. It’s hard to find them talking about serious issues. Don’t mention school – they have usually dropped out of school and are sensitive discussing this subject. If you want them to unfriend you on Facebook, tag them in photos from your graduation ceremony.
They often blame the Canadian ‘system’ for their failure in school, and regularly point to Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs as examples of people who succeeded in life without completing school. Team Yolo’s favourite topic of conversation is binge-drinking in Nairobi. They’re the company to keep on a weekend when anything Halaal is not on the list.
The Scandinavians – Catwalk crew
Unlike their American counterparts, they don’t have weight issues and dress in body-hugging J Lindeberg T-shirts and slim-fit Jack & Jones jeans. They lack the social skills of the Canadians and have a dry sense of humour. They are the quietest of the diasporans because they speak a language no Somali in Somalia understands. Locals say the Somali-Scandinavians speak af shimbir (birds’ language).
Due to their poor grasp of the English language they often lose out to local university graduates for the few international NGO jobs in the market. Because they’re linguistically challenged, they are often found sitting alone in the corners of restaurants or in meetings, and making hand signals no one understands. The Scandinavians are obsessed with their looks and clothes. They can be heard complaining about how Mogadishu’s hard water is ruining their Afro or hair colour. Thanks to the long hours they spend in front of the mirror, they are easy on the eye and take likable selfies on Instagram.
The Karachi crew – the shipwrecks
This group is not considered fully diasporans nor fully local. They consist mainly of Somalis who attempted to get to Europe but weren’t lucky and ended up studying on the Indian subcontinent.
They are extremely good at lecturing others on things they know little of. They are experts on all matters mysterious, like where to find water if you end up on the moon – not that many Somalis will end up on the moon.
Local girls call them Kumel gar (the temporary ones) until the real diasporans turn up.
Their business cards usually say advisor, consultant, analyst or researcher for a diasporan taxi-driver-turned-minister or a foreign NGO.
To look cool and diasporan, they’re often found coughing on shisha or, if they’re in Nairobi, with an empty Tusker bottle – the local beer.
A Karachi crew member’s Facebook profile is filled with photos they took with other diasporans in Europe and America. They harass diasporans coming from the US for Starbucks coffee sachets.
They speak English with a heavy Indian accent but they believe they sound American. They have diplomatic passports issued under a president Somalis have long forgotten about.
Old but funny: Terror supporter Hamza Yusuf describes Somali diaspora communities
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It seems the "American" description was hijacked by Minnesotan Somalis entirely.
Do over!
I'm digging the Canadian and Scandi descriptions.
The scandi one does us no justice making it sound like were retards who cant speak basic english
And Bird language
jävla skitsnack dem lyckades inte ens få till det rätt 
VixR
Veritas
The Scandi one has the most complimentary things to say. You do have an awful bird language, but in light of all else it can be overlooked.The scandi one does us no justice making it sound like were retards who cant speak basic english
And Bird language
P.S He said your English is horrible, but it seems gr8, contradicts what I see from this site at least.
The Scandi one has the most complimentary things to say. You do have an awful bird language, but in light of all else it can be overlooked.
P.S He said your English is horrible, but it seems gr8, contradicts what I see from this site at least.
Well the pros outweigh the cons
Fair point
It is hamza yusuf , the Somali journalist .
Lord Flacko
VIP
True that Scandinavian culture doesn't encourage alot of social skills. I'm travelled and was raised in a Somali household so I'd like to think I'm an exception. Go back a couple of years tho and I was socially awkward as f*ck.Scandinavian speak perfect English, only thing setting us back is the ugly accent.
Team Yolo’s favourite topic of conversation is binge-drinking in Nairobi.
the accuracy
the accuracy
Mohamud
ʜᴀᴄᴋᴇᴅ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ
Team Yolo’s favourite topic of conversation is binge-drinking in Nairobi.
the accuracy
Like nothing was wrong
Wallahi he got the canadian one on point
Apollo
VIP
As for Scandinavians, it is true that they are generally socially awkward. But everything else wasn't accurate.
Global English Proficiency Index (all countries except Anglo nations):
1 Sweden
2 Netherlands
3 Denmark
4 Norway
5 Finland
http://www.ef.nl/epi/
Global English Proficiency Index (all countries except Anglo nations):
1 Sweden
2 Netherlands
3 Denmark
4 Norway
5 Finland
http://www.ef.nl/epi/
Lord Flacko
VIP
There are German Somalis?German Somalis as always totally ignored as nonexistent.
Apollo
VIP
There are German Somalis?
For a long time the number was stable around 10,000. But recently it doubled to 20,000 in just 3 years. Nice one, Merkel.
Steamdevolopment
VIP
Hvad mener han med, at vi ikke er sociale? Vi taler bestemt ikke som fugle, men jeg har hørt sproget beskrevet som en der taler med kartoflen i munden.
He is probably basing his view on the Swedes, they are freaks and speak as if they are all drunk.
However, we are the most well-educated group of Somali diaspora due to the generous welfare state but our unfamiliar with corruption and nepotism could doom our chances in Somali job-market.
He is probably basing his view on the Swedes, they are freaks and speak as if they are all drunk.
However, we are the most well-educated group of Somali diaspora due to the generous welfare state but our unfamiliar with corruption and nepotism could doom our chances in Somali job-market.
Oh okay, thought it was someone else
German Somalis as always totally ignored as nonexistent.
Sxb why dont alot of somali live in germany, austria and switzerland? Didnt they accept qaxooti during the somali civil war
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