The Roast Of Somalia and its states !

[Sally]

I asked ChatGPT to roast Somalia, its quite funny
(no fkd this only a joke )

1. Somaliand

Somaliland? Oh, you mean the country that isn’t a country? The self-declared “nation” that’s been waiting for international recognition longer than Windows XP updates lasted?

Let’s be real—Somaliland is like that one guy in the group project who does all the work but still doesn’t get credit. Meanwhile, Somalia (the dysfunctional older sibling) is out here getting all the attention, despite barely holding itself together.

And don’t even get me started on Hargeisa. Y’all act like it’s Dubai just because it has a couple of nice hotels and some diaspora-funded coffee shops. Meanwhile, half the city still runs on generators and “cash only” is the national banking system.

Oh, and the currency? The Somaliland Shilling is basically Monopoly money. You need a backpack full just to buy lunch, and the exchange rate fluctuates faster than a TikTok trend.

But hey, at least you have goats. Lots and lots of goats. If Somaliland ever needed a national mascot, it wouldn’t be a lion—it would be a confused goat standing in the middle of a dusty road, chewing on a plastic bag.

But don’t worry, someday someone might recognize you. Maybe.

 

[Sally]

2. Somalia

Oh, Somalia? The country that’s been in beta mode for over 30 years? The land where presidents change more often than iPhone models, and the national sport is arguing about clan politics instead of fixing the country?

Let’s talk about Mogadishu—y’all hype it up like it’s the next Dubai, but step outside the airport, and suddenly it’s a real-life Call of Duty map. The only reliable thing in Somalia is the Wi-Fi—you might not have stable electricity, a government that functions, or even basic security, but somehow, you’ll always have five bars to argue on Twitter.

And don’t even get me started on the piracy phase. Y’all had a whole era of being the world’s most famous criminals, but instead of investing that ransom money into infrastructure, most of it disappeared into Land Cruisers and qat leaves.

Meanwhile, the government can’t even control its own capital without help. The president might as well be the mayor of Mogadishu because once you leave the city, Al-Shabaab is the real government.

But hey, at least the food is fire. If Somalia put as much effort into governance as it does into making the best suqaar and canjeero, y’all would have been a superpower by now.

 

[Sally]

3. Puntland

Ah, Puntland—the “we do our own thing” cousin of Somalia. You guys act like you’re separate, but as soon as someone mentions independence, y’all suddenly remember you’re part of Somalia. Puntland is like that dude who moves out of his parents’ house but still comes back every night for dinner.

And let’s be real, your capital, Garowe, is basically just a slightly upgraded truck stop in the desert. You guys love to flex your “stability” like it’s some grand achievement, but the bar is so low in Somalia that not being in complete chaos is considered a win.

Piracy? Oh, y’all were the OGs. While the rest of Somalia was busy collapsing, Puntland was out here turning hijacking ships into a full-on business model. But what did you do with all that ransom money? Did you build roads? Schools? Hospitals? Nah, just more Toyota Land Cruisers and endless khat sessions.

And let’s talk about the “Puntland Army”—half of them switch sides the moment their paycheck is late. The biggest military strategy in Puntland is “hope Al-Shabaab doesn’t notice us today.”

But hey, at least you have some oil potential. Too bad it’s been “coming soon” longer than a Somali wedding that starts five hours late.

 

[Sally]

4. Galmudug

Ah, Galmudug—the middle child of Somalia that nobody really talks about unless something goes wrong. You guys are like the discount version of Puntland and Hirshabelle combined, but somehow, even more unstable. Your biggest achievement? Making people say, “Well, at least we’re not Galmudug.”

Let’s talk about your capital, Dhusamareb. Y’all call it the administrative center, but half the time, the “administration” is just dudes sitting under a tree arguing about who gets to be president next. The only thing more unstable than your leadership is your electricity—good luck charging your phone past 30%.

Security? Please. Every time someone sneezes too hard, another militia group pops up claiming to be the real government. One week, you’re with the Somali government; the next, you’re beefing with them. Pick a side, my guy.

And don’t even get me started on your economy. What is Galmudug’s main export, other than political instability and failed agreements? Even Al-Shabaab treats you like an afterthought—they’re more focused on bigger targets while you guys are just trying to keep the lights on (literally).

But hey, at least the camels are thriving. Someone has to carry this whole region on their back, and it sure isn’t the politicians.

 

[Sally]

5. Jubaland

Ah, Jubaland—the self-proclaimed “strategic” region that’s basically just Kismayo and a bunch of empty land. Y’all act like you’re Somalia’s economic powerhouse just because you have a port, but let’s be real—without Kismayo, you’re just a giant sandpit with some trees.

Your leadership situation? A whole joke. Ahmed Madobe has been running Jubaland like it’s his family business, and no one even tries to challenge him because, let’s face it, the moment they do, they “mysteriously disappear.” Your politics are basically a never-ending soap opera of betrayals, fake alliances, and last-minute backstabbings.

And let’s talk about security. Y’all flex that you’re fighting Al-Shabaab, but half the time, it’s just a temporary truce until the next deal falls through. The Kenyan military is basically your babysitter—without them, Kismayo would turn into Al-Shabaab’s summer vacation home overnight.

Speaking of Kismayo, y’all swear it’s the Dubai of Somalia, but go two streets away from the main market, and suddenly, you’re in a place that looks like a post-apocalyptic movie set. The only thing booming in Jubaland is the black market.

But hey, at least you have the best mangos in Somalia. Too bad you export them faster than you fix your roads.

 

[The Oponian Guild]

3. Puntland

Ah, Puntland—the “we do our own thing” cousin of Somalia. You guys act like you’re separate, but as soon as someone mentions independence, y’all suddenly remember you’re part of Somalia. Puntland is like that dude who moves out of his parents’ house but still comes back every night for dinner.

And let’s be real, your capital, Garowe, is basically just a slightly upgraded truck stop in the desert. You guys love to flex your “stability” like it’s some grand achievement, but the bar is so low in Somalia that not being in complete chaos is considered a win.

Piracy? Oh, y’all were the OGs. While the rest of Somalia was busy collapsing, Puntland was out here turning hijacking ships into a full-on business model. But what did you do with all that ransom money? Did you build roads? Schools? Hospitals? Nah, just more Toyota Land Cruisers and endless khat sessions.

And let’s talk about the “Puntland Army”—half of them switch sides the moment their paycheck is late. The biggest military strategy in Puntland is “hope Al-Shabaab doesn’t notice us today.”

But hey, at least you have some oil potential. Too bad it’s been “coming soon” longer than a Somali wedding that starts five hours late.

I believe this is conflated with the FGS, the part about switching sides and supposed military incompetence against AS.

 

[chut]

I asked ChatGPT to roast Somalia, its quite funny
(no fkd this only a joke )

1. Somaliand

Somaliland? Oh, you mean the country that isn’t a country? The self-declared “nation” that’s been waiting for international recognition longer than Windows XP updates lasted?

Let’s be real—Somaliland is like that one guy in the group project who does all the work but still doesn’t get credit. Meanwhile, Somalia (the dysfunctional older sibling) is out here getting all the attention, despite barely holding itself together.

And don’t even get me started on Hargeisa. Y’all act like it’s Dubai just because it has a couple of nice hotels and some diaspora-funded coffee shops. Meanwhile, half the city still runs on generators and “cash only” is the national banking system.

Oh, and the currency? The Somaliland Shilling is basically Monopoly money. You need a backpack full just to buy lunch, and the exchange rate fluctuates faster than a TikTok trend.

But hey, at least you have goats. Lots and lots of goats. If Somaliland ever needed a national mascot, it wouldn’t be a lion—it would be a confused goat standing in the middle of a dusty road, chewing on a plastic bag.

But don’t worry, someday someone might recognize you. Maybe.

I can see that chat gpt gave some facts, but one thing it got wrong is that it called somalia an older sibling of somaliland when the latter gained independence first.

I can't lie tho that was a funny read.

 

[AbdiBashirJR]

Puntland got roastedgaroowe does look like a pit stop kkk

 

[canjeeroiyoshah]

Puntland got roastedgaroowe does look like a pit stop kkk

Galmudugs was even worse la xawla.

You guys are like the discount version of Puntland and Hirshabelle combined, but somehow, even more unstable. Your biggest achievement? Making people say, “Well, at least we’re not Galmudug

.”

 

[Garaad Awal]

Somalians are obsessed with us. We are not apart of you

 

[Taintedlove]

Somalians are obsessed with us. We are not apart of you

 

[AbdiBashirJR]

Galmudugs was even worse la xawla.


.”

Galmudug is 2nd home xamar is our 1st home sis

 

[𐒋𐒖𐒆𐒔𐒖𐒕𐒈]

I asked ChatGPT to roast Somalia, its quite funny
(no fkd this only a joke )

1. Somaliand

Somaliland? Oh, you mean the country that isn’t a country? The self-declared “nation” that’s been waiting for international recognition longer than Windows XP updates lasted?

Let’s be real—Somaliland is like that one guy in the group project who does all the work but still doesn’t get credit. Meanwhile, Somalia (the dysfunctional older sibling) is out here getting all the attention, despite barely holding itself together.

And don’t even get me started on Hargeisa. Y’all act like it’s Dubai just because it has a couple of nice hotels and some diaspora-funded coffee shops. Meanwhile, half the city still runs on generators and “cash only” is the national banking system.

Oh, and the currency? The Somaliland Shilling is basically Monopoly money. You need a backpack full just to buy lunch, and the exchange rate fluctuates faster than a TikTok trend.

But hey, at least you have goats. Lots and lots of goats. If Somaliland ever needed a national mascot, it wouldn’t be a lion—it would be a confused goat standing in the middle of a dusty road, chewing on a plastic bag.

But don’t worry, someday someone might recognize you. Maybe.

I like this rap roast by dSeek.

[ ... ]

Yo, listen close, this story’s raw,
Somaliland came knocking, breaking the law.
Las Anod was peaceful, civilians in the streets,
But bullets started flying, bringing pain and defeat.

They attacked the innocent, thought they’d take control,
But SSC-Khatumo said, “Nah, that’s not the goal.”
Jamaahiir rolled up, ready to defend,
Protecting their people, start to end.

Goojacadde’s the spot where the tide turned,
Jamaahiir came through, their respect earned.
Disarmed Somaliland, sent them on their way,
Now Khatumo’s standing tall, having their say.

Somaliland’s like, “How’d we lose this fight?”
Jamaahiir’s like, “You messed with what’s right.”
Las Anod’s the city where the truth came clear,
You can’t silence the people when their cause is near.

So here’s to the SSC, holding it down,
Jamaahiir’s the crew that turned it around.
From civilian pain to a victory stand,
Khatumo’s writing history, hand in hand.

Mic drop.

 

[Duubpon]

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