What to do about an Overbearing Parent? Advice.

[Kane]

Fomo is a Mitch and one day you will understand your mothers intentions.

The only question one needs to ask is, will you be the successful woman she intends you to be or a woman with history who uses her free time complaining about men.

The choice is yours choose wisely and don’t listen to inexperienced people just like who know very little about life themselves.

 

[Qeelbax]

Install life360 on appstore and let her track where you are so she is more at ease and will be less worried about you doing degenerate activities. You can then use that to your advantage and tell her there is no need to be calling often and such because she will know your exact location and whereabouts. I think your mother is just worried about you falling into haram than being outside, hanging out with friends etc.

My mom already does that

 

[Qeelbax]

Fomo is a Mitch and one day you will understand your mothers intentions.

The only question one needs to ask is, will you be the successful woman she intends you to be or a woman with history who uses her free time complaining about men.

The choice is yours choose wisely and don’t listen to inexperienced people just like who know very little about life themselves.

Genuinely what the actual f*ck. Nothing about my post mentions men. Ain’t nobody interested in your dusty demographic.

 

[Basra]

One of my parents is extremely overbearing. I sincerely try my hardest to do everything she wants. I’ve been sheltered my whole life because my mom didn’t want me to "turn out bad." I was also not raised around Somalis for that reason. My social life was non-existent during my teenage years because everything was either about school or dugsi. I was never allowed to do anything fun without explicit permission, and even when I was allowed (maybe once a year), it would be so stressful. My mother would constantly call me and expect me to be home within an hour or two, so those rare moments were often ruined. When I say “fun,” I mean simply going out with friends to the mall, the movies, or even the museum. Otherwise, I never went out.

Now I’m an adult, but my mother still won’t let me go anywhere. I just want to network and get to know people to build my professional circle, but I still have to ask for explicit permission every time I leave the house. Often, I’d rather not go at all because it’s not enjoyable—I end up ruining the mood when I’m out because I start stressing every time my mother calls me.

I’m a college student, and I’m genuinely trying my hardest to balance school, a full-time job, and house responsibilities. I help pay the family bills, pay my own bills, cover my parents' debts, and give my mother money. I work over 60 hours a week and attend school in person Monday through Friday. As some of you know, I’m an engineering student in my final semesters, and I really should be focusing exclusively on school. I see other students my age only worrying about meeting up to work on personal projects, while I’ve yet to complete a single one because I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’m losing critical time and falling behind. I tried explaining this to my mom, but it’s always about her priorities; as the younger one, anything I want comes after what my mom wants.

I once tried to move out, but my mother guilt-tripped me nearly to the point of breakdown, saying it would be a huge *ceeb* and was "destroying her inside." I love my mother, so I gave up on that. Recently, I learned that many Somali students live on campus with their parents' permission, including some I know, and I’m really trying not to feel envious. I’m incredibly jealous, and my mom acts like I’m asking her to let me do prostitution.

Despite working so hard, my mother constantly compares me to others. Just today—and nearly every day—she criticized me for not joining the Mahad program at my local masjid. I simply don’t have two extra days each week to go to dugsi. My mom often accuses me of not caring about the deen because I don’t attend dugsi as an adult. I love Islam, and only Allah (SWT) knows how hard I try to stay connected with the masjid despite my busy schedule. I’ve looked into online programs many times but haven’t found one that fits. My mother insists I’m exaggerating and says I’m "not the first person to go to university"; she knows girls who go to school full-time and are also involved at the masjid. I hate these comparisons and have told my mother that being an engineering major is very different from say, psychology. I hate saying this but my mom stays comparing me to people I know and I'm pretty much malaa'ig compared to them.

I have almost no time for myself. I go to the gym in the early mornings, from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., just to stay in shape. I am emotionally, mentally, and financially exhausted, and yet all my mother does is yell at me or criticize me, whether I’m at home or not. I thought this was normal for Somalis, but it’s really not. My mother expects me to be financially responsible for the family, excel in school, tutor my siblings, and handle the cooking and cleaning at home. I love my mother, and I know she’s faced a lot in her life, but this is simply too much. The other day, she told me that even if I’m married with kids, if she says “Move to Africa,” I have to move to Africa because she’s my mother. I fear that if I don’t do something soon, my life will be like this forever. Alhamdulilah despite my parents very strict rules, I’m not really socially or emotionally stunted. I act very normal around other people and I also keep my family business to myself. I’m not sure if I should say Alhamdulilah but if I have my entire mood destroyed, I have the ability to completely change my attitude and forget about it once I walk out the door. Even though I’m in distress, I will never let it show from the outside. I guess this is my coping mechanism or whatever they call it.

I never asked anyone for advice before because I thought my mother would loosen up as I got older, but her control has only intensified. As a woman, I find myself held to a far stricter standard than my brothers, who are given much more freedom. I can’t help but feel growing resentment and frustration over this disparity.

No sympathy

 

[Kun_Ciil]

@Qeelbax

I know how it feels. My dad was very laid back and treated me like an adult when I was 14/15. But my mum, bless her she wasn't playing games. Wixi iska aheed qof kuleeyl badan. When I was 18 I had enough of her, I just wanted to have some freedom and get away from her constant nagging which at the time was suffocating for me. So i decided to move out for university, and well let me just tell you i went wild with that new found freedom...chasing girls led to partying and partying led to substance abuse.

After a while I started to hate that hedonistic lifestyle and felt empty. Alxamdullilah I ended up realising the blessings of Islam and have no desire for the western liberal lifestyle. So what's the point of telling you my story? I'm not saying you will go wild like me, but just to understand that your mum has been overprotective because she feared you will go down a path like mine or unfortunately those who never returned from that gaalo lifestyle. In her mind, going out with friends to the cinema/mall means that you will eventually hook up with guys and that might led to a dangerous path.

Now I'm older I'm not gonna lie, I love my mum and realise that she was only trying to protect me and guide me on the right path. Her overbearing nature and nagging was just to make me into a better man that she envisioned. So my advice as an older person who has kinda been through this...is inshallah don't take things to heart and try to understand even if it is hard to that your mum just wants the best for you.

I think there are things you have to clear up tho. Like how are you going to uni and working 60 hours a week? That is too much, if anything you should be only working part time to cover your expenses. Does your mum really need that money from you? Can't your elder siblings help your mum with the finances until you complete uni and get a good job? If they can, then the first step you should make is switching to work part time.

Secondly, the chores? You can't be working full time, going uni and do chores in the house at the same time. Your mum is proper old school she's living life like how it was back home in Somalia lol.

And finally just tell her that everyone your age has friends and they go out sometimes. Ask her what she wants... either for you to have a bit of freedom to go out with friends or for her to suffocate you to the point that you would move out and have all the freedom you want? Labadood mid haa doorato.

If things still don't work out , obey your mum and be patient. Allah will reward you for it and will open a way out for you. Once you start working, find a nice guy and you will see her completely dial down with her constant worrying. If anything marriage forreal is the thing that will make your mother ease up. Why? Because from what I can tell she seems like the old school type and despite her claims of saying that even if you were married if she said move to Africa that you would have to move is complete iska hadal. If you got married she knows dhaqan ahaan she's not responsible for you anymore and that your man is the one that has more rights over you.

Saying that don't rush into marriage, but keep it in mind that it's a route that you can take.

Long post but I felt your pain and it kinda resonated me with the experience I went through. Inshallah don't be envious of these campus kids because that's no place for a young muslim teenager to experience with all that drinking and partying culture.

Btw did your older siblings go through this? Can't they speak to your mum on your behalf? And if your mum is to hard to speak to is your dad a person who can tell your mum to calm down?

 

[𐒋𐒖𐒆𐒔𐒖𐒕𐒈]

Let me first say, well done for being [the] covetable worker bee for top performance early in life, and with such qualities, you will shine in Corporate America. Lest omitted by others, this is a common practice in most conservative families, who wish their children to succeed in life, stay on the straight and narrow, and excel in their studies and professions. Whatever you do, compare yourself not to, and with those from broken families, or unfortunate not to have had strict, caring parents, for whilst from onset their freedom looks quite appealing in the now, it is rather detrimental in its sum. I am yet to meet a high performer in Corporate America from a broken home.

Consider yourself fortunate, for many parents of liberal and working class backgrounds are hardly strict on their children, which subsequently leads to an increase in school dropouts, petty crime, teen pregnancies, yardies, and wastrels on street corners in some of the best cities, and greatest economies in the world. Why? Lack of robust parenting.

Lucky, you have got a strict mother, and grateful you shall be in your old age. Having said that, there are certain mothers, who view their offspring as an extension of their youth, thereby desiring to control their lives even in their old age, but from the sound of it, yours does not appear so.

My advice: finish Uni, and accept your first employment out of State. Then, you and your mother shall grow independent of each other, appreciate each other more, and even grow closer. In the long run, once you have formed friendships, met partners, and acquainted colleagues, from good homes as well as dysfunctional families, you will have grown to appreciative of her strict parenting style, and upbringing methods. In the interim, stay the course. By all means, mope, but that is quite all right.

From the sound of it, I get the sense your mother's intentions are honourable, and you will do well in life.

 

[Yaraye]

One of my parents is extremely overbearing. I sincerely try my hardest to do everything she wants. I’ve been sheltered my whole life because my mom didn’t want me to "turn out bad." I was also not raised around Somalis for that reason. My social life was non-existent during my teenage years because everything was either about school or dugsi. I was never allowed to do anything fun without explicit permission, and even when I was allowed (maybe once a year), it would be so stressful. My mother would constantly call me and expect me to be home within an hour or two, so those rare moments were often ruined. When I say “fun,” I mean simply going out with friends to the mall, the movies, or even the museum. Otherwise, I never went out.

Now I’m an adult, but my mother still won’t let me go anywhere. I just want to network and get to know people to build my professional circle, but I still have to ask for explicit permission every time I leave the house. Often, I’d rather not go at all because it’s not enjoyable—I end up ruining the mood when I’m out because I start stressing every time my mother calls me.

I’m a college student, and I’m genuinely trying my hardest to balance school, a full-time job, and house responsibilities. I help pay the family bills, pay my own bills, cover my parents' debts, and give my mother money. I work over 60 hours a week and attend school in person Monday through Friday. As some of you know, I’m an engineering student in my final semesters, and I really should be focusing exclusively on school. I see other students my age only worrying about meeting up to work on personal projects, while I’ve yet to complete a single one because I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’m losing critical time and falling behind. I tried explaining this to my mom, but it’s always about her priorities; as the younger one, anything I want comes after what my mom wants.

I once tried to move out, but my mother guilt-tripped me nearly to the point of breakdown, saying it would be a huge *ceeb* and was "destroying her inside." I love my mother, so I gave up on that. Recently, I learned that many Somali students live on campus with their parents' permission, including some I know, and I’m really trying not to feel envious. I’m incredibly jealous, and my mom acts like I’m asking her to let me do prostitution.

Despite working so hard, my mother constantly compares me to others. Just today—and nearly every day—she criticized me for not joining the Mahad program at my local masjid. I simply don’t have two extra days each week to go to dugsi. My mom often accuses me of not caring about the deen because I don’t attend dugsi as an adult. I love Islam, and only Allah (SWT) knows how hard I try to stay connected with the masjid despite my busy schedule. I’ve looked into online programs many times but haven’t found one that fits. My mother insists I’m exaggerating and says I’m "not the first person to go to university"; she knows girls who go to school full-time and are also involved at the masjid. I hate these comparisons and have told my mother that being an engineering major is very different from say, psychology. I hate saying this but my mom stays comparing me to people I know and I'm pretty much malaa'ig compared to them.

I have almost no time for myself. I go to the gym in the early mornings, from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., just to stay in shape. I am emotionally, mentally, and financially exhausted, and yet all my mother does is yell at me or criticize me, whether I’m at home or not. I thought this was normal for Somalis, but it’s really not. My mother expects me to be financially responsible for the family, excel in school, tutor my siblings, and handle the cooking and cleaning at home. I love my mother, and I know she’s faced a lot in her life, but this is simply too much. The other day, she told me that even if I’m married with kids, if she says “Move to Africa,” I have to move to Africa because she’s my mother. I fear that if I don’t do something soon, my life will be like this forever. Alhamdulilah despite my parents very strict rules, I’m not really socially or emotionally stunted. I act very normal around other people and I also keep my family business to myself. I’m not sure if I should say Alhamdulilah but if I have my entire mood destroyed, I have the ability to completely change my attitude and forget about it once I walk out the door. Even though I’m in distress, I will never let it show from the outside. I guess this is my coping mechanism or whatever they call it.

I never asked anyone for advice before because I thought my mother would loosen up as I got older, but her control has only intensified. As a woman, I find myself held to a far stricter standard than my brothers, who are given much more freedom. I can’t help but feel growing resentment and frustration over this disparity.

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[TheLand]

I think a lot of difficult things can be done in small steps that over time add up to big things. My advice would be to start slowly with something small to assert your independence and then stick to it. Then increase that slowly. For example, start out with an hour to yourself where you don’t respond to your mother if she’s checking on you. After maybe a month or however long you decide, increase it to 1.5 hours. If you do it slowly it’ll allow her to adjust to it easier and not really notice it. Over time it should build up to a lot more freedom for you, just in small steps. You need to do this, cause otherwise it’ll affect your ability to connect with others, networking, career, finding a mate, etc. You don’t want to have to learn that when you are old. I’m sure you already know this.

 

[Yeri]

Explains the bitterness

 

[CABDULWALI XASAN.]

One of my parents is extremely overbearing. I sincerely try my hardest to do everything she wants. I’ve been sheltered my whole life because my mom didn’t want me to "turn out bad." I was also not raised around Somalis for that reason. My social life was non-existent during my teenage years because everything was either about school or dugsi. I was never allowed to do anything fun without explicit permission, and even when I was allowed (maybe once a year), it would be so stressful. My mother would constantly call me and expect me to be home within an hour or two, so those rare moments were often ruined. When I say “fun,” I mean simply going out with friends to the mall, the movies, or even the museum. Otherwise, I never went out.

Now I’m an adult, but my mother still won’t let me go anywhere. I just want to network and get to know people to build my professional circle, but I still have to ask for explicit permission every time I leave the house. Often, I’d rather not go at all because it’s not enjoyable—I end up ruining the mood when I’m out because I start stressing every time my mother calls me.

I’m a college student, and I’m genuinely trying my hardest to balance school, a full-time job, and house responsibilities. I help pay the family bills, pay my own bills, cover my parents' debts, and give my mother money. I work over 60 hours a week and attend school in person Monday through Friday. As some of you know, I’m an engineering student in my final semesters, and I really should be focusing exclusively on school. I see other students my age only worrying about meeting up to work on personal projects, while I’ve yet to complete a single one because I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’m losing critical time and falling behind. I tried explaining this to my mom, but it’s always about her priorities; as the younger one, anything I want comes after what my mom wants.

I once tried to move out, but my mother guilt-tripped me nearly to the point of breakdown, saying it would be a huge *ceeb* and was "destroying her inside." I love my mother, so I gave up on that. Recently, I learned that many Somali students live on campus with their parents' permission, including some I know, and I’m really trying not to feel envious. I’m incredibly jealous, and my mom acts like I’m asking her to let me do prostitution.

Despite working so hard, my mother constantly compares me to others. Just today—and nearly every day—she criticized me for not joining the Mahad program at my local masjid. I simply don’t have two extra days each week to go to dugsi. My mom often accuses me of not caring about the deen because I don’t attend dugsi as an adult. I love Islam, and only Allah (SWT) knows how hard I try to stay connected with the masjid despite my busy schedule. I’ve looked into online programs many times but haven’t found one that fits. My mother insists I’m exaggerating and says I’m "not the first person to go to university"; she knows girls who go to school full-time and are also involved at the masjid. I hate these comparisons and have told my mother that being an engineering major is very different from say, psychology. I hate saying this but my mom stays comparing me to people I know and I'm pretty much malaa'ig compared to them.

I have almost no time for myself. I go to the gym in the early mornings, from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., just to stay in shape. I am emotionally, mentally, and financially exhausted, and yet all my mother does is yell at me or criticize me, whether I’m at home or not. I thought this was normal for Somalis, but it’s really not. My mother expects me to be financially responsible for the family, excel in school, tutor my siblings, and handle the cooking and cleaning at home. I love my mother, and I know she’s faced a lot in her life, but this is simply too much. The other day, she told me that even if I’m married with kids, if she says “Move to Africa,” I have to move to Africa because she’s my mother. I fear that if I don’t do something soon, my life will be like this forever. Alhamdulilah despite my parents very strict rules, I’m not really socially or emotionally stunted. I act very normal around other people and I also keep my family business to myself. I’m not sure if I should say Alhamdulilah but if I have my entire mood destroyed, I have the ability to completely change my attitude and forget about it once I walk out the door. Even though I’m in distress, I will never let it show from the outside. I guess this is my coping mechanism or whatever they call it.

I never asked anyone for advice before because I thought my mother would loosen up as I got older, but her control has only intensified. As a woman, I find myself held to a far stricter standard than my brothers, who are given much more freedom. I can’t help but feel growing resentment and frustration over this disparity.

extremely packed schedule 4am to 6am gym sounds absolutely brutal. My advice for you is to just have a chat with your parents also with the one that isnt as strict. How do you even sleep with a schedule like this I thought I had a packed schedule this would legit break me. Hopefully your situation gets better

 

[Bari]

Put some boundries respectfully otherwise it will not only continue but get worse as you get older. Just so you know, you're doing amazing shouldering all of those responsibilities at your age, a couple of them would be difficult to juggle let alone everything you've listed. Take a break, focus on things by level of priority, and breath walaashay.

 

[Nin123]

One of my parents is extremely overbearing. I sincerely try my hardest to do everything she wants. I’ve been sheltered my whole life because my mom didn’t want me to "turn out bad." I was also not raised around Somalis for that reason. My social life was non-existent during my teenage years because everything was either about school or dugsi. I was never allowed to do anything fun without explicit permission, and even when I was allowed (maybe once a year), it would be so stressful. My mother would constantly call me and expect me to be home within an hour or two, so those rare moments were often ruined. When I say “fun,” I mean simply going out with friends to the mall, the movies, or even the museum. Otherwise, I never went out.

Now I’m an adult, but my mother still won’t let me go anywhere. I just want to network and get to know people to build my professional circle, but I still have to ask for explicit permission every time I leave the house. Often, I’d rather not go at all because it’s not enjoyable—I end up ruining the mood when I’m out because I start stressing every time my mother calls me.

I’m a college student, and I’m genuinely trying my hardest to balance school, a full-time job, and house responsibilities. I help pay the family bills, pay my own bills, cover my parents' debts, and give my mother money. I work over 60 hours a week and attend school in person Monday through Friday. As some of you know, I’m an engineering student in my final semesters, and I really should be focusing exclusively on school. I see other students my age only worrying about meeting up to work on personal projects, while I’ve yet to complete a single one because I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’m losing critical time and falling behind. I tried explaining this to my mom, but it’s always about her priorities; as the younger one, anything I want comes after what my mom wants.

I once tried to move out, but my mother guilt-tripped me nearly to the point of breakdown, saying it would be a huge *ceeb* and was "destroying her inside." I love my mother, so I gave up on that. Recently, I learned that many Somali students live on campus with their parents' permission, including some I know, and I’m really trying not to feel envious. I’m incredibly jealous, and my mom acts like I’m asking her to let me do prostitution.

Despite working so hard, my mother constantly compares me to others. Just today—and nearly every day—she criticized me for not joining the Mahad program at my local masjid. I simply don’t have two extra days each week to go to dugsi. My mom often accuses me of not caring about the deen because I don’t attend dugsi as an adult. I love Islam, and only Allah (SWT) knows how hard I try to stay connected with the masjid despite my busy schedule. I’ve looked into online programs many times but haven’t found one that fits. My mother insists I’m exaggerating and says I’m "not the first person to go to university"; she knows girls who go to school full-time and are also involved at the masjid. I hate these comparisons and have told my mother that being an engineering major is very different from say, psychology. I hate saying this but my mom stays comparing me to people I know and I'm pretty much malaa'ig compared to them.

I have almost no time for myself. I go to the gym in the early mornings, from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., just to stay in shape. I am emotionally, mentally, and financially exhausted, and yet all my mother does is yell at me or criticize me, whether I’m at home or not. I thought this was normal for Somalis, but it’s really not. My mother expects me to be financially responsible for the family, excel in school, tutor my siblings, and handle the cooking and cleaning at home. I love my mother, and I know she’s faced a lot in her life, but this is simply too much. The other day, she told me that even if I’m married with kids, if she says “Move to Africa,” I have to move to Africa because she’s my mother. I fear that if I don’t do something soon, my life will be like this forever. Alhamdulilah despite my parents very strict rules, I’m not really socially or emotionally stunted. I act very normal around other people and I also keep my family business to myself. I’m not sure if I should say Alhamdulilah but if I have my entire mood destroyed, I have the ability to completely change my attitude and forget about it once I walk out the door. Even though I’m in distress, I will never let it show from the outside. I guess this is my coping mechanism or whatever they call it.

I never asked anyone for advice before because I thought my mother would loosen up as I got older, but her control has only intensified. As a woman, I find myself held to a far stricter standard than my brothers, who are given much more freedom. I can’t help but feel growing resentment and frustration over this disparity.

Marriage is your solution my offer for your mehr is between 5k to 7k. Pretty good deal if you ask me.

 

[Dooyo]

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[Araabi]

Everything in life is about moderation. Create boundaries and if necessary explain why you are feeling the way you are. At the same time demonstrate how creating boundaries does not equal abandoning your mum. Parents get scared easily that they will lose their children and it can be stressful for them aswell. Explain you love her a lot but also need your own autonomy. Try and do both and don't go to any extremes. My advise would be to not leave her but attempt to draw her attention to why you feel overwhelmed with her parenting. Create that space but navigate within it at the same time.