Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.

[Yaraye]

Have that difficult conversation with him. Ask him if he knows what his behaviour has done to you and your siblings.

There is really no excuse for being a poor father. But sadly in our culture parents are infallible, and children are expected to forgive no matter what.

More than likely your father was treated the same way by his own father. It is a generational curse that has to be broken and cured by someone.

I don't care to know whether his father treated him the same way or has trauma. Everyone has some sort of trauma. Generational curse is just an excuse, i don't believe in it. At some point he was an adult and knew better. It was his choice to abandon us. Therefore he shouldn't expect anything not even a conversation.

He should thank Allah since that's the reason I'll let him talk at me, not with me. I will answer with minimum words. That is only for my benefit in Aqirah, since no-contact is not allowed in Islam unfortunately.

 

[Yaraye]

Right.

The mothers should do more to set the differences aside and connect the kids with the father. It should be more than some obligations, more about maintaining and forming relationship & contact .For the sake of the kid really. She doesn't have tp interact with the father, she can just be a facilitator.

I also believe you shouldn't interfere by trying to control how the kid should either think about or feel about the mother or father.

Badmouthing the mother and father to the kid, is actually extremely harmful for the child psychologically because the kids sees himself as one of half the mother and father.

When we see parents fighting especially in front of the child , you only have to look to see how distressing that is for the kid that caught up in the middle. That's why separation can be a good thing to prevent that from continuing and prevent escalation but it also should be a way to let go and move on where you put the child first because it is no longer about you and him.

Why should the mother be the facilitator?

 

[Yaraye]

@Yaraye how about your grandfather do you still keep in touch with him? I feel sorry for him that he is sick and he doesnt deserve to be involved in the mess your father made.

No don't know who that guy also is. His side of the family don't bother to keep in touch at all. When my grandmother and mother heard he was sick, they asked us to send some money which we did.

Personally I don't really have connections to his side of the family and could care less what happens to them. May allah help them tho.

 

[Aseer]

No don't know who that guy also is. His side of the family don't bother to keep in touch at all. When my grandmother and mother heard he was sick, they asked us to send some money which we did.

Personally I don't really have connections to his side of the family and could care less what happens to them. May allah help them tho.

Mabye they just arent able to, you should try getting in touch with them, they have done nothing wrong unlike your father.

 

[Yaraye]

Mabye they just arent able to, you should try getting in touch with them, they have done nothing wrong unlike your father.

Not interested in doing that.

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[Aseer]

Not interested in doing that.

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You have to, one day.

 

[Yaraye]

You have to, one day.

no, I don't lol. Says who?

 

[Aseer]

no, I don't lol. Says who?

Your grandpa especially doesnt deserve to not know or speak to his granddaughter especially when he is ill, atleast call him once thats the least you can do for him.

 

[Yaraye]

Your grandpa especially doesnt deserve to not know or speak to his granddaughter especially when he is ill, atleast call him once thats the least you can do for him.

What does he deserve, huh? Don't how to reach out to him lol

 

[Aseer]

What does he deserve, huh? Don't how to reach out to him lol

To atleast talk to you, nothing monetary. And besides he is a dying old man probably on his deathbed with many regrets, talk to him once before its too late. Make a effort to reach out to him.

 

[AbrahamFreedom]

Good for you, @Yaraye. I have a couple of relatives who cut contact after getting married despite being very close and only reached out once their children became teenagers. I told them to take a hike. I can’t imagine a father doing that.

 

[Yaraye]

Good for you, @Yaraye. I have a couple of relatives who cut contact after getting married despite being very close and only reached out once their children became teenagers. I told them to take a hike. I can’t imagine a father doing that.

Thanks walaal. I won't reach out. If he reaches out, I'll do the bare minimum to go to jannah inshallah.

 

[Yaraye]

To atleast talk to you, nothing monetary. And besides he is a dying old man probably on his deathbed with many regrets, talk to him once before its too late. Make a effort to reach out to him.

Talk to him? with nothing monetary? You truly think they won't ask for money?

How should i make the effort you speak of?

 

[LilBang]

Good for you, @Yaraye. I have a couple of relatives who cut contact after getting married despite being very close and only reached out once their children became teenagers. I told them to take a hike. I can’t imagine a father doing that.

You truly are a Somali legend

 

[AbrahamFreedom]

Thanks walaal. I won't reach out. If he reaches out, I'll do the bare minimum to go to jannah inshallah.

He regrets what he did and feels bad. But Somalis are very prideful and narcissistic and won’t admit he did anything wrong. Even having a tough conversation with him is useless. Let him give you a heartfelt apology first but it 99% won’t happen.

 

[Yaraye]

People reach out to family when they are going through hardships and struggles. When you are at a extremely old age , you probably only have your children to reach out to. It's not a Somali deadbeat thing, it actually shows desperation and you have no one else to turn to, it happens a lot

This actually presents @Yaraye with an opportunity to share how he feels to his dad, everything he told us and but also reconnect and understand his father better. He might even come to understand him more and it might even resolve some misconceptions.




It's not solely the ex- wives fault but it is issues between both that might be a barrier to maintain that contact.

Are you suggesting there is no bad blood, disputes or irreconcilable differences that come from divorce/seperation? Like couples always leave each other on good terms ?

Parents can have these differences but chose to look passed them to prioritize the kids and make efforts on behalf of the kids.

Financial aid has nothing to with crazy ex preventing you , it has to do with if your capable of giving it.
There are fathers out there that never see their kids and still pay child support. But that's not connection building.

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[Yaraye]

He regrets what he did and feels bad. But Somalis are very prideful and narcissistic and won’t admit he did anything wrong. Even having a tough conversation with him is useless. Let him give you a heartfelt apology first but it 99% won’t happen.

You're right. However, i really think he would pretend to truly apologize for an exchange of financial support

 

[AbdiNasir]

I think a lot of people in the replies are comparing their situation to yours hopefully my father never left me so good on you for doing what you think is right

 

[Yaraye]

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[Yaraye]

Serious talk.

Not affording him any excuse but what you’ve described about him is damning.

however,

has it dawned on you maybe he carries undiagnosed some war trauma ? Maybe he is mentally ill.

Lastly, have you gotten to the bottom of what really transpired between him and your mother ? Have you gotten his side of the story. Have you confronted him ?

See, you’d probably have a different perspective as to why he behaved like this. I won’t say it would be justifiable

Serious talk? Alright, let’s get real.

First, let’s not play armchair psychologist and diagnose him with “war trauma” or mental illness to excuse his neglect. A lot of us have trauma, myself included. Guess what? As adults, we’re expected to do better, not use it as a lifetime excuse to abandon responsibilities. If he had issues, he had decades to seek help, yet he chose to do nothing except make a few token phone calls twice a year.

Secondly, about “getting his side of the story”—please. He’s had countless opportunities to step up and explain himself, and you know what we got instead? Silence, followed by lectures about how we should reconnect with him. It’s laughable to even suggest that we owe him more patience or curiosity when he’s shown zero interest in actually being a father.

Lastly, you’re asking if I’ve confronted him. What’s there to confront? His actions speak volumes louder than any excuse he could dream up. He didn’t care enough to stay, didn’t care enough to contribute, and now he’s suddenly popping up like a bad rerun because we’re adults and he’s likely looking for support.

The bottom line: trauma or not, he made his choices. And his choices clearly showed that being a father wasn’t one of them.