Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.

[Yaraye]

the father is in the wrong and should apologies first, only then should you give him a second chance

Even if he apologizes. I will not financially support him. Emotional support and reconnection is burden enough. I will not do anything when it comes to labour or money.

 

[Yaraye]

Here's what you do OP, tell your father you and your siblings have managed to accrue some funds for his 'trip', say you got like 10k for him. I want you to really sell this, watch him swell with happiness and pride.

Then have his ass come to your place to collect said funds, look him dead in the eye, and say:

- 'You won't survive without us'

Then watch his face fall, I can only imagine the fallout that would ensue from this.

View attachment 350721

Looooool.

 

[Yaraye]

This is strategic btw, young men talk this way so that they can justify behaving this way in the future. When you normalize and undermine the injustice, it will continue and that’s why Somalis have very high rates of dead beat fathers. This has been systematically deemed acceptable.

I get that Islamically there should be a modicum of respect for the simple fact that he is her biological father, but this man is clearly sniffing for money and she would be well within her rights to respectfully shut this down.

I literally know friends who were in that exact position and were then emotionally blackmailed by their sperm donors. Some even mentally abused their mothers flaunting their preference for second wife and abandoning them as well which will obviously inflict trauma and deep disappointment whilst simultaneously being expected to fund the siblings of the second wife whom they were spurned for.

OP, pick up his calls, listen to his drivel for the sake of Allah but don’t ever send him money. Simply politely talk to him and if he presses, politely remind him that he has shirked on his duties. As a girl, he should be providing for you, you’re still under his wing since you’re unmarried, but due to some Somali men being effeminate they will still stick out their hands to ask their daughters for a pay off.

I plan to not financially provide anything to him. If he calls, I'll answer, listen, and politely interact. I have voiced once to my mother that i would not financially help him or anything that involves labor. My mother scolded me and starting lecturing me about deen.

However i'm standing 10 toes on it. Only talk and prayers for that deadbeat, no money or labour

 

[Yaraye]

Many on the thread keep advising me to have a conversation with this person, give him another chance or accept his apology. I don't want to. What do you guys not understand about that. I have no love or hatred for him. I just want him to disappear like he did before lol.

 

[Yaraye]

Have that difficult conversation with him. Ask him if he knows what his behaviour has done to you and your siblings.

There is really no excuse for being a poor father. But sadly in our culture parents are infallible, and children are expected to forgive no matter what.

More than likely your father was treated the same way by his own father. It is a generational curse that has to be broken and cured by someone.

I don't care to know whether his father treated him the same way or has trauma. Everyone has some sort of trauma. Generational curse is just an excuse, i don't believe in it. At some point he was an adult and knew better. It was his choice to abandon us. Therefore he shouldn't expect anything not even a conversation.

He should thank Allah since that's the reason I'll let him talk at me, not with me. I will answer with minimum words. That is only for my benefit in Aqirah, since no-contact is not allowed in Islam unfortunately.

 

[Yaraye]

Right.

The mothers should do more to set the differences aside and connect the kids with the father. It should be more than some obligations, more about maintaining and forming relationship & contact .For the sake of the kid really. She doesn't have tp interact with the father, she can just be a facilitator.

I also believe you shouldn't interfere by trying to control how the kid should either think about or feel about the mother or father.

Badmouthing the mother and father to the kid, is actually extremely harmful for the child psychologically because the kids sees himself as one of half the mother and father.

When we see parents fighting especially in front of the child , you only have to look to see how distressing that is for the kid that caught up in the middle. That's why separation can be a good thing to prevent that from continuing and prevent escalation but it also should be a way to let go and move on where you put the child first because it is no longer about you and him.

Why should the mother be the facilitator?

 

[Yaraye]

@Yaraye how about your grandfather do you still keep in touch with him? I feel sorry for him that he is sick and he doesnt deserve to be involved in the mess your father made.

No don't know who that guy also is. His side of the family don't bother to keep in touch at all. When my grandmother and mother heard he was sick, they asked us to send some money which we did.

Personally I don't really have connections to his side of the family and could care less what happens to them. May allah help them tho.

 

[Aseer]

No don't know who that guy also is. His side of the family don't bother to keep in touch at all. When my grandmother and mother heard he was sick, they asked us to send some money which we did.

Personally I don't really have connections to his side of the family and could care less what happens to them. May allah help them tho.

Mabye they just arent able to, you should try getting in touch with them, they have done nothing wrong unlike your father.

 

[Yaraye]

Mabye they just arent able to, you should try getting in touch with them, they have done nothing wrong unlike your father.

Not interested in doing that.

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[Aseer]

Not interested in doing that.

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You have to, one day.

 

[Yaraye]

You have to, one day.

no, I don't lol. Says who?

 

[Aseer]

no, I don't lol. Says who?

Your grandpa especially doesnt deserve to not know or speak to his granddaughter especially when he is ill, atleast call him once thats the least you can do for him.

 

[Yaraye]

Your grandpa especially doesnt deserve to not know or speak to his granddaughter especially when he is ill, atleast call him once thats the least you can do for him.

What does he deserve, huh? Don't how to reach out to him lol

 

[Aseer]

What does he deserve, huh? Don't how to reach out to him lol

To atleast talk to you, nothing monetary. And besides he is a dying old man probably on his deathbed with many regrets, talk to him once before its too late. Make a effort to reach out to him.

 

[AbdiFreedom]

Good for you, @Yaraye. I have a couple of relatives who cut contact after getting married despite being very close and only reached out once their children became teenagers. I told them to take a hike. I can’t imagine a father doing that.

 

[Yaraye]

Good for you, @Yaraye. I have a couple of relatives who cut contact after getting married despite being very close and only reached out once their children became teenagers. I told them to take a hike. I can’t imagine a father doing that.

Thanks walaal. I won't reach out. If he reaches out, I'll do the bare minimum to go to jannah inshallah.

 

[Yaraye]

To atleast talk to you, nothing monetary. And besides he is a dying old man probably on his deathbed with many regrets, talk to him once before its too late. Make a effort to reach out to him.

Talk to him? with nothing monetary? You truly think they won't ask for money?

How should i make the effort you speak of?

 

[LilBang]

Good for you, @Yaraye. I have a couple of relatives who cut contact after getting married despite being very close and only reached out once their children became teenagers. I told them to take a hike. I can’t imagine a father doing that.

You truly are a Somali legend

 

[AbdiFreedom]

Thanks walaal. I won't reach out. If he reaches out, I'll do the bare minimum to go to jannah inshallah.

He regrets what he did and feels bad. But Somalis are very prideful and narcissistic and won’t admit he did anything wrong. Even having a tough conversation with him is useless. Let him give you a heartfelt apology first but it 99% won’t happen.

 

[Yaraye]

People reach out to family when they are going through hardships and struggles. When you are at a extremely old age , you probably only have your children to reach out to. It's not a Somali deadbeat thing, it actually shows desperation and you have no one else to turn to, it happens a lot

This actually presents @Yaraye with an opportunity to share how he feels to his dad, everything he told us and but also reconnect and understand his father better. He might even come to understand him more and it might even resolve some misconceptions.




It's not solely the ex- wives fault but it is issues between both that might be a barrier to maintain that contact.

Are you suggesting there is no bad blood, disputes or irreconcilable differences that come from divorce/seperation? Like couples always leave each other on good terms ?

Parents can have these differences but chose to look passed them to prioritize the kids and make efforts on behalf of the kids.

Financial aid has nothing to with crazy ex preventing you , it has to do with if your capable of giving it.
There are fathers out there that never see their kids and still pay child support. But that's not connection building.

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