Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.

[Yaraye]

He regrets what he did and feels bad. But Somalis are very prideful and narcissistic and won’t admit he did anything wrong. Even having a tough conversation with him is useless. Let him give you a heartfelt apology first but it 99% won’t happen.

You're right. However, i really think he would pretend to truly apologize for an exchange of financial support

 

[Yaraye]

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[Yaraye]

Serious talk.

Not affording him any excuse but what you’ve described about him is damning.

however,

has it dawned on you maybe he carries undiagnosed some war trauma ? Maybe he is mentally ill.

Lastly, have you gotten to the bottom of what really transpired between him and your mother ? Have you gotten his side of the story. Have you confronted him ?

See, you’d probably have a different perspective as to why he behaved like this. I won’t say it would be justifiable

Serious talk? Alright, let’s get real.

First, let’s not play armchair psychologist and diagnose him with “war trauma” or mental illness to excuse his neglect. A lot of us have trauma, myself included. Guess what? As adults, we’re expected to do better, not use it as a lifetime excuse to abandon responsibilities. If he had issues, he had decades to seek help, yet he chose to do nothing except make a few token phone calls twice a year.

Secondly, about “getting his side of the story”—please. He’s had countless opportunities to step up and explain himself, and you know what we got instead? Silence, followed by lectures about how we should reconnect with him. It’s laughable to even suggest that we owe him more patience or curiosity when he’s shown zero interest in actually being a father.

Lastly, you’re asking if I’ve confronted him. What’s there to confront? His actions speak volumes louder than any excuse he could dream up. He didn’t care enough to stay, didn’t care enough to contribute, and now he’s suddenly popping up like a bad rerun because we’re adults and he’s likely looking for support.

The bottom line: trauma or not, he made his choices. And his choices clearly showed that being a father wasn’t one of them.

 

[Aseer]

Talk to him? with nothing monetary? You truly think they won't ask for money?

How should i make the effort you speak of?

He is a dying man, I reckon it wasnt even him who asked you for money. Try talk to someone you know from your dads side and get to him.

 

[SixthAbdi]

Better to be transparent to him about your grievances instead of saying nothing.
You don't want anything to do with him and yet put him on the phone and listen to his lectures, for what? Is it really haram to confront a parent for their wrongdoings?

 

[Angelina]

You are assuming alot on my behalf, you have crossed a big line. Never bring up my hooyo, who the f*ck you think you are.

I first heard about this dhaqan by my own mother and aunts. They told me about this. Many cultural practises arose from practical needs. Women leaving the kids behind is likely an extreme practice which likely arose from men leaving behind their kids. The woman and the kids would go back to their family for support and thus mean more mouths to feed.

We are patriarchal people so if the kids belonged to a different clan then they would not be welcomed well.

This dhaqan won’t happen here in the west because its alien, just like fgm.

You saw my post, obviously joking and proceeded to write a whole fucking story about me disrespecting my mum. Qof waalan aad tahay oo xishood leheen weliba. Never ever bring my mom up again, you deranged dog.

Where did I insult your hooyo you silly man? The whole idea wasn’t just about clan, it was about exploitation of women and men refusing to provide for kids unless they rip them from the mother.

There is nothing practical about this, it was simply something done to women because they could. It was a case of your kids and you will starve if you don’t hand over the kids. Kids aren’t seen as ‘alien’ when it comes to their mother’s kin. Many kids were raised by their mother’s side as long as they had the money to feed the kid and the mother together or if the father didn’t by force take the kids. It was by force many a times. The man out of spite at times will take them and not even allow the mother to see them. I know old women this has happened to.

If my simple example pissed you of then YOU know that no one can replace a mother, where it be a step mother, a grandmother or an aunt.

You’re flipping disingenuous hiding behind ‘muh mother’ when you know I’ve never said anything disrespectful. I have my limits warya and I’d never insult a Somali mother but you’re grasping at straws because you can’t handle how silly and inappropriate your point was.

Saying your mother would sacrifice everything for you and that not one can replace her care isn’t saying anything, it is the modus operandi of ALL mothers. So don’t you dare act like a victim in this when I never said anything negative about your mum.

 

[Dibleyy]

Try and match his energy tbh, if he expects money you expect money too and say that you have nothing in your account and have debts. If he says to call, just lie and say you call him all the time and no one picks up. The easiest way I find is to play the same game he’s playing, be absent but act like your there.

I’m sorry abayo useless fathers are the worst and frustrating.