Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.

[Yaraye]

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[Farah717]

Ungrateful. He's still your father some people don't have fathers you should give him a chance maybe he changed.

 

[cow]

Ungrateful. He's still your father some people don't have fathers you should give him a chance maybe he changed.

Everything wrong with "somalia" in one sentence. She is the victim not the "father".

Her mum raised them and her "father" tried to destroy her mother.

The "father" should seek a real reconciliation by admitting his wrongdoings and hope his "children" are better people then himself.

 

[The truth seeker]

Ungrateful. He's still your father some people don't have fathers you should give him a chance maybe he changed.

Would you give your deadbeat mother who left you as a kid a second chance

 

[Farah717]

Would you give your deadbeat mother who left you as a kid a second chance

Yes. Even though both parents are in my life I would never abandon them even if they abused me. People who abandon their parents are just too emotional.

 

[Aiman12]

the father is in the wrong and should apologies first, only then should you give him a second chance

 

[The truth seeker]

Yes. Even though both parents are in my life I would never abandon them even if they abused me. People who abandon their parents are just too emotional.

I’m not willing to reward or waste my time entertaining disgusting individuals if your parents abuse you you have no obligation to keep them around you

I Haven’t seen my father since he left my mom when I was 12 and would hang up on him if he called me today drunkard can stay in Toronto

 

[Sophisticate]

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Minnesota doesn’t have filial responsibility laws, so adult children have no legal obligation to support their parents financially. Get your dancing shoes @Yaraye.

To the others, please don't come for me. My father has always been emotionally and physically present, and my parents have been happily married for decades. I'd do everything for my parents. So, any antagonism won't work. However, I still recognize women's risks in partnering with men who fail to show up or adversely impact their lives because it can happen to anyone.

It’s disappointing to see some people, particularly men, fall short of parental responsibilities and expect 'Father of the Year' treatment when their actions don’t merit such recognition.

 

[Chase]

Here's what you do OP, tell your father you and your siblings have managed to accrue some funds for his 'trip', say you got like 10k for him. I want you to really sell this, watch him swell with happiness and pride.

Then have his ass come to your place to collect said funds, look him dead in the eye, and say:

- 'You won't survive without us'

Then watch his face fall, I can only imagine the fallout that would ensue from this.

 

[Angelina]

Everything wrong with "somalia" in one sentence. She is the victim not the "father".

Her mum raised them and her "father" tried to destroy her mother.

The "father" should seek a real reconciliation by admitting his wrongdoings and hope his "children" are better people then himself.

This is strategic btw, young men talk this way so that they can justify behaving this way in the future. When you normalize and undermine the injustice, it will continue and that’s why Somalis have very high rates of dead beat fathers. This has been systematically deemed acceptable.

I get that Islamically there should be a modicum of respect for the simple fact that he is her biological father, but this man is clearly sniffing for money and she would be well within her rights to respectfully shut this down.

I literally know friends who were in that exact position and were then emotionally blackmailed by their sperm donors. Some even mentally abused their mothers flaunting their preference for second wife and abandoning them as well which will obviously inflict trauma and deep disappointment whilst simultaneously being expected to fund the siblings of the second wife whom they were spurned for.

OP, pick up his calls, listen to his drivel for the sake of Allah but don’t ever send him money. Simply politely talk to him and if he presses, politely remind him that he has shirked on his duties. As a girl, he should be providing for you, you’re still under his wing since you’re unmarried, but due to some Somali men being effeminate they will still stick out their hands to ask their daughters for a pay off.

 

[Idilinaa]

I believe you should speak to him and get his side of the story and hear him out about his situation. Even if we he has commited mistakes , we should remind ourselves that Islam preaches forgiveness

Therefore, if Allah the Most High promises to forgive us, who are we to not forgive others?

I know this can be really difficult, especially when we have been hurt so much by those who we depend on for unconditional love and support such as our parents.

It will also be healthier for you in the long run than to carry that baggage of resentment.

I also spoke about this before, that we often over simplify parent and child separation especially when it relates to the father ,then throw around words like ''Deadbeat'' or abandon

I don't think it's accurate to say they abandon their kids and start a new family.

What actually happens is that there is divorce and separation and then he might re-marry. The woman retains main custody of the child and then he might fall out of the picture.

Sometimes it's both parents fault because they let their unresolved issues against each-other get in-between them and the kids to successfully co-parent even when separated

Whereas other times it is just a result of a financial and social constraint, the father finds it difficult to delegate his financial and attention resources to both his immediate family and the other one at the same time.

The ''My dad chose me or his new wife and family'' is such a common trope in today's society.
This scenario and dilemma commonly happens in many different communities not just with Somalis even amongst White people and Arabs, more so i would say.

The point i made about how the parents allow their unresolved issues between eachother get in between them balancing co-parent duties also plays a big role. In a lot of cases the mothers ire towards the father seeps into the child's attitude towards the father which prevents them from even forming or maintain a relationship even if the father reaches out to reconnect with his kids after separation.

 

[Devilsadvocate]

Tell him to kick rocks.

 

[EyiPunter]

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Not gone lie id cut him off also. Your not gone have kids with my hooyo and leave her with your responsibilities. You should pick up the call if you have time, but your not American government so you don't send aid

 

[Kalsoon]

The point i made about how the parents allow their unresolved issues between eachother get in between them balancing co-parent duties also plays a big role. In a lot of cases the mothers ire towards the father seeps into the child's attitude towards the father which prevents them from even forming or maintain a relationship even if the father reaches out to reconnect with his kids after separation.

Sometimes mothers don't even do the whole back and forth with the fathers. They treat them politely and never mention the father's obligations to him. I have been told that the man knows better that's why it's not mentioned to him blatantly. This way of thinking used to bother me but I kind of understand why they did it now. Those kinds of mothers would rather have the father come around once in a while rather than never for their children's sake.

Nonetheless, even if a child sees the hurt their present family is experiencing due to the father's absence from the kid's life that should be no excuse for the man. It's upon him as the adult and parent to rebuild trust in them and show how apologetic he is for missing milestones. The adult should be the wiser one.

 

[Idilinaa]

I’d love to know how it can’t be seen as anything but abandoning his children? What gives him the right to marry again using money he should be allocating to live children? Providing for kids isn’t optional, especially as a father in Islam. They are 100% the financial responsibility of the man regardless of the mother having custody.

As for forgiveness, I agree I can’t argue with that, it is something supreme and encouraged in the deen.

Divorce and separation happens and depending on the circumstances the father can fall out of the picture or reduce in role, in the sense that he moves far away to maintain constant contact or remarries and has a new family or the complicated relationship between the mother and father acts as a barrier to connect with the kids.

Also having a financial constraints doesn't make anyone a deadbeat. Not everyone has tons of money they can throw around. If they have financial capability they will provide and chip in for whomever they can.

 

[Lightshow]

Have that difficult conversation with him. Ask him if he knows what his behaviour has done to you and your siblings.

There is really no excuse for being a poor father. But sadly in our culture parents are infallible, and children are expected to forgive no matter what.

More than likely your father was treated the same way by his own father. It is a generational curse that has to be broken and cured by someone.

 

[Idilinaa]

Sometimes mothers don't even do the whole back and forth with the fathers. They treat them politely and never mention the father's obligations to him. I have been told that the man knows better that's why it's not mentioned to him blatantly. This way of thinking used to bother me but I kind of understand why they did it now. Those kinds of mothers would rather have the father come around once in a while rather than never for their children's sake.

Right.

The mothers should do more to set the differences aside and connect the kids with the father. It should be more than some obligations, more about maintaining and forming relationship & contact .For the sake of the kid really. She doesn't have tp interact with the father, she can just be a facilitator.

I also believe you shouldn't interfere by trying to control how the kid should either think about or feel about the mother or father.

Badmouthing the mother and father to the kid, is actually extremely harmful for the child psychologically because the kids sees himself as one of half the mother and father.

When we see parents fighting especially in front of the child , you only have to look to see how distressing that is for the kid that caught up in the middle. That's why separation can be a good thing to prevent that from continuing and prevent escalation but it also should be a way to let go and move on where you put the child first because it is no longer about you and him.

 

[Angelina]

Divorce and separation happens and depending on the circumstances the father can fall out of the picture or reduce in role, in the sense that he moves far away to maintain constant contact or remarries and has a new family or the complicated relationship between the mother and father acts as a barrier to connect with the kids.

Also having a financial constraints doesn't make anyone a deadbeat. Not everyone has tons of money they can throw around. If they have financial capability they will provide and chip in for whomever they can.

He has no right to remarry if he can’t provide for his current live children. Thats what I don’t understand. Marrying isn’t an excuse. Your kids come before a new woman. Why is he using the money he has to marry instead of giving it to his children first? Your point would only make sense if he was providing post divorce, he got married and still provided but became down on his luck. That I can understand, but a phenomenon in our community is that father moves away and remarries and never provides post divorce from the get-go.

Idil, a father does not ‘chip in’ he is the main provider and provides within his means. Other family members ‘chip in’ adult children when older ‘chip in’, a father fully provides when kids are young. I think you’re looking at the role of father as something optional. Same way we would both think it’s questionable for a mother to remarry and decide she doesn’t have the capacity to care for her current children. Why? Because we know being a mother isn’t optional.

I don’t think you understand that in a Muslim society if a father refuses to provide he is imprisoned. If he is poor, they will create a payment plan based on what he can afford. Children aren’t the responsibility of the state or only mothers.

Fatherhood isn’t optional. So yes, a father that doesn’t provide anything, is deadbeat.

 

[Karim]

Allah SWT says:
"But if you pardon and overlook and forgive - then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. (Verse 14: chapter 64)

Your dad made a massive mistake by abandoning his duties as fathers are responsible for providing for the security and needs of their family. Fathers are responsible for leading their family spiritually, and ensuring that their children and wife receive the education they need. Fathers should spend time with their children and engage in activities that benefit them both physically and mentally etc.

Your father didn't do all of that and for that he is a SINNER and TRANSGRESSOR. Allah SWT will ask him on why did he abandon his responsibilities and duties as a father. He will answer for his wrongdoings on the day of judgment and you shouldn't be the judge and the jury of this matter. Thank Allah SWT that he gave your mom the strength and endurance to continue fighting for you and your siblings everyday, be thankful that Allah SWT has bestowed you with such a wonderful mother.

Finally, you should treat your father with respect and kindness regardless of what he has done in the past. It is not permissible to repay mistreatment with mistreatment or wrongdoing with wrongdoing. You shouldn't be reciprocating his horrific actions in the past as that would also make you guilty of similar or worse crimes and it brings severe retribution.

Good luck.

 

[Atoosh]

Have that difficult conversation with him. Ask him if he knows what his behaviour has done to you and your siblings.

There is really no excuse for being a poor father. But sadly in our culture parents are infallible, and children are expected to forgive no matter what.

More than likely your father was treated the same way by his own father. It is a generational curse that has to be broken and cured by someone.

I have seen many Uncs who play mental gymnastics to make themselves the victims of being a deadbeat father. It's always the "mothers" fault why the children don't respect their father. Not that children have the agency to feel and question why their father abandoned them.

Using the deep to manipulate your children into their responsibilities is not valid .. Islamically parents have duties and children have duties. If you failed your duties as a parent then well sorry but your children don't need to fulfill their duties. You've relinquished your rights.