There's No Incentive To Get Married As A Modern Muslim Woman In This Day And Age.

[Hodan from HR]

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I say if he is a good man and meets all your other requirements, make the situation work to your advantage.

Do you speak with potentials about your ideal marriage and the view of polygamy you have? That you see a polygamist man as not being fully committed to building with you?

I don’t mean any offense but there are some women who have other views on this subject. May not seem sane but they are. Some do see a benefit for themselves, their husbands, their family and their akhirah. It just depends on the women’s worldview and religious beliefs. I think a certain type of man with taqwa can overcome the hurdles that come with polygamy in Islam and continue to be fair and reasonable with his time, love, and resources. It’s certainly not as straightforward as only having one wife but when it’s done right, can be very beautiful and beneficial.

I really appreciate your fresh perspective and rational approach to this topic


I can't help but be overly protective and read too much into things when it comes to this. You are right in that different women and men seek different things in marriage. However, my personal view is one invests quality time in those they truly love which is impossible with polygamy.

Yes, broaden your horizons, abaayo! There’s a gem of a man out there looking for you inshallah. Ilaahay talo saaro and ask Allah to guide you to that which is best for your dunya and akhirah. Wishing you well in your journey, macaanto.

جَزاكَ اللهُ خَـيْر abaayo,

Amiin. May He guide all of us to what is kheyr and not burden us beyond what we can't bear..

 

[Hodan from HR]

Literally every middle/upper class somali man Ive seen in america is in a monogamous relationship. The 40 year old abdis that were apart of the first wave of immigrants who came her as teens mostly remained monogamous.

My own father is monogamous but some of his "monogamous" friends went to Somalia and remarried once their kids were college-aged..

Just marry a westernized somali nigga. There's enough evidence to prove that even the westernized educated ones aren't abandoning their families to marry another somali women out of no where.

I don't think you understand where I'm coming from. As long as polygamy is an option in our culture, the odds are not in my favor as a woman. He can bring me STDs from his "halal" wife whom he won't tell me about because it is his God given right. You feel me?

Also, who is to say millenials and genZ farahs may not want to exercise their polygamy rights when they reach their 50s like their fathers?

 

[Kisame]

My own father is monogamous but some of his "monogamous" friends went to Somalia and remarried once their kids were college aged..




I don't think you understand where I'm coming from. As long as polygamy is an option in our culture, the odds are not in my favor as a woman. He can bring me STDs from his "halal" wife whom he won't tell me about because it is his God given right. You feel me?

Also, who is to say millenials and genZ farahs may not want to exercise their polygamy rights when they reach their 50s like their fathers?

"Also, who is to say millenials and genZ farahs may not want to exercise their polygamy rights when they reach their 50s like their fathers"

Millennial and gen Z Farahs in the west mostly have a clean plate when it comes to relationships. You have a higher chance of landing with an ajnabi that will cheat on you for years without telling you.

"My own father is monogamous but some of his "monogamous" friends went to Somalia and remarried once their kids were college aged.."

Were your father's friends middle or upper class men? Were they western educated men??

 

[Hodan from HR]

IMillennial and gen Z Farahs in the west mostly have a clean plate when it comes to relationships. You have a higher chance of landing with an ajnabi that will cheat on you for years without telling you.

You may be right.

Inshallah I end up with an honest, kind, faithful and hardworking farah

Were your father's friends middle or upper class men? Were they western educated men??

Middle class. They were going to schools in Somalia before civil war. They managed to save alot of money and buy properties back home after living in the west for decades..

 

[Sophisticate]

"Also, who is to say millenials and genZ farahs may not want to exercise their polygamy rights when they reach their 50s like their fathers"

Millennial and gen Z Farahs in the west mostly have a clean plate when it comes to relationships. You have a higher chance of landing with an ajnabi that will cheat on you for years without telling you.

"My own father is monogamous but some of his "monogamous" friends went to Somalia and remarried once their kids were college aged.."

Were your father's friends middle or upper class men? Were they western educated men??

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As for Millennial Somali men they are diverse. However, some aren't the most emotionally attuned. I don't blame them as many men in general are not. Even men with doctorates and financial stability. Who look exceptional on paper may lack in some capacity with consistency, communication and being able to digest constructive feedback. Also, people come with baggage based on how they were raised. How they deal with conflict? What is their attachment style? There is no such thing as a blank slate.

I know these men because people with similar education levels know each other. The older crowd of millenials is more educated but they are not perfect. Women should be cautious. Marriage benefits men more than women in every way. I think Hodan should pay attention to things like emotional intelligence as status can make one more willing to compromise on what they normally would not. Ambition is expected but avoid high conflict people/men, ones who want free therapy and those more interested in their success over yours. If they cannot support your goals like they do their own then it should be a NO.

 

[Juliet]

I think the flaw lies in how the average Somali man is socialized; they see polygamy as a norm. However, I become deeply resentful when I hear this topic because here in the west, the older ajinabi women I worked with have been married for over 25+ years, have 2 to 3 kids. The husbands are active fathers and take turns with chores. They are always traveling or buying properties together. This is my norm.

With the polygynist man, he has one foot out of the door and can't do these things for his wife and kids because his time and money is divided amongst his other family/families. Why would any sane woman agree to such an arrangement?

Most Somali girls who prefer marrying ajnabi cite this to be the main reason from what I can tell. It's not really about lack of attraction or self-hate, they simply saw what their mothers/female relatives went through compared to their ajnabi friends and decided they don't want that for themselves

 

[Kisame]

Most Somali girls who prefer marrying ajnabi cite this to be the main reason from what I can tell. It's not really about lack of attraction or self-hate, they simply saw what their mothers/female relatives went through compared to their ajnabi friends and decided they don't want that for themselves

Which is still a dumb reason cause westernized somali men saw the same dysfunction y'all saw and have changed their parenting styles. A lot of niggas know you have to be an active father and a good husband if your raising kids.

Y'all are essentially avoiding good quality somali men cause of a bunch of uneducated 60 year olds. Those Same chicks wouldn't even date somali niggas and would still hold harsh views against them even if they didn't hang out with somali men.

 

[Juliet]

Which is still a dumb reason cause westernized somali men saw the same dysfunction y'all saw and have changed their parenting styles. A lot of niggas know you have to be an active father and a good husband if your raising kids.

Y'all are essentially avoiding good quality somali men cause of a bunch of uneducated 60 year olds. Those Same chicks wouldn't even date somali niggas and would still hold harsh views against them even if they didn't hang out with somali men.

Idk man, just reporting why a lot of western xalimos are put off Somali men, lots of them watched their mothers be treated like crap and putting up with so much just to be abandoned for some young girl back home, marrying a farax even if he’s young and western seems like a nightmare about to repeat itself to these girls, with how normalised polygamy is in our community

this is not just us btw, a lot of western ethnic girls don’t like their men because of all the cultural expectations and baggage that come in a relationship, its a massive turn off.

 

[Kisame]

Idk man, just reporting why a lot of western xalimos are put off Somali men, lots of them watched their mothers be treated like crap and putting up with so much just to be abandoned for some young girl back home, marrying a farax even if he’s young and western seems like a nightmare about to repeat itself to these girls, with how normalised polygamy is in our community

this is not just us btw, a lot of western ethnic girls don’t like their men because of all the cultural expectations and baggage that come in a relationship, its a massive turn off.

I mean ajnabis also have high divorces rates with a decent amount having fathers that straight up abandoned their families as well.

I'd understand if they left to join a better community but everyone else seems to be pretty fucked as well.

You said polygamy is normalized but like most somali men are still in monogamous relationships. It seems like these young chicks literally don't interact with somali men their age.

Overall seems like a dumb decision. I just hope most of the ones that do marry out for these reasons don't hop online to embarrass us.

Seen one chick with a gambian on tiktok talking about how somali men weren't shit.Her husband was even chiming in. I cringed so hard bruh some of these xalimos are mentally fucked. You can tell she was a straight up dumbass too. Just cooning.

 

[Kalsoon]

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You should probe a bit more next time cause most likely another one will bring this up. It’s a fact of life that a lot of men think they can handle being with many women. They don’t know how hard it is in reality.

I know It’s a deal breaker for you but try to understand the guy’s perspective first as well as help him understand your pov. Don’t let your personal judgements on this stop you from finding out more info. Could be productive dialogue.

I really appreciate your fresh perspective and rational approach to this topic

I’ve had to assess my views on this a lot too. Thanks for being open to this convo. It can be hard to discuss this topic in a balanced way.

I can't help but be overly protective and read too much into things when it comes to this. You are right in that different women and men seek different things in marriage. However, my personal view is one invests quality time in those they truly love which is impossible with polygamy.

Are you basing this on how some people don’t actually do it right and fair. The men who do it wrong definitely give all women a bad view of how polygamy works.

جَزاكَ اللهُ خَـيْر abaayo,

Amiin. May He guide all of us to what is kheyr and not burden us beyond what we can't bear..

Waiyaki.

 

[Gojo Satoru]

If you do get married to a farax make sure you put no 2nd wife in your clause