Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.

[Yaraye]

He regrets what he did and feels bad. But Somalis are very prideful and narcissistic and won’t admit he did anything wrong. Even having a tough conversation with him is useless. Let him give you a heartfelt apology first but it 99% won’t happen.

You're right. However, i really think he would pretend to truly apologize for an exchange of financial support

 

[Yaraye]

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[Yaraye]

Serious talk.

Not affording him any excuse but what you’ve described about him is damning.

however,

has it dawned on you maybe he carries undiagnosed some war trauma ? Maybe he is mentally ill.

Lastly, have you gotten to the bottom of what really transpired between him and your mother ? Have you gotten his side of the story. Have you confronted him ?

See, you’d probably have a different perspective as to why he behaved like this. I won’t say it would be justifiable

Serious talk? Alright, let’s get real.

First, let’s not play armchair psychologist and diagnose him with “war trauma” or mental illness to excuse his neglect. A lot of us have trauma, myself included. Guess what? As adults, we’re expected to do better, not use it as a lifetime excuse to abandon responsibilities. If he had issues, he had decades to seek help, yet he chose to do nothing except make a few token phone calls twice a year.

Secondly, about “getting his side of the story”—please. He’s had countless opportunities to step up and explain himself, and you know what we got instead? Silence, followed by lectures about how we should reconnect with him. It’s laughable to even suggest that we owe him more patience or curiosity when he’s shown zero interest in actually being a father.

Lastly, you’re asking if I’ve confronted him. What’s there to confront? His actions speak volumes louder than any excuse he could dream up. He didn’t care enough to stay, didn’t care enough to contribute, and now he’s suddenly popping up like a bad rerun because we’re adults and he’s likely looking for support.

The bottom line: trauma or not, he made his choices. And his choices clearly showed that being a father wasn’t one of them.

 

[Aseer]

Talk to him? with nothing monetary? You truly think they won't ask for money?

How should i make the effort you speak of?

He is a dying man, I reckon it wasnt even him who asked you for money. Try talk to someone you know from your dads side and get to him.

 

[SixthAbdi]

Better to be transparent to him about your grievances instead of saying nothing.
You don't want anything to do with him and yet put him on the phone and listen to his lectures, for what? Is it really haram to confront a parent for their wrongdoings?

 

[Angelina]

You are assuming alot on my behalf, you have crossed a big line. Never bring up my hooyo, who the f*ck you think you are.

I first heard about this dhaqan by my own mother and aunts. They told me about this. Many cultural practises arose from practical needs. Women leaving the kids behind is likely an extreme practice which likely arose from men leaving behind their kids. The woman and the kids would go back to their family for support and thus mean more mouths to feed.

We are patriarchal people so if the kids belonged to a different clan then they would not be welcomed well.

This dhaqan won’t happen here in the west because its alien, just like fgm.

You saw my post, obviously joking and proceeded to write a whole fucking story about me disrespecting my mum. Qof waalan aad tahay oo xishood leheen weliba. Never ever bring my mom up again, you deranged dog.

Where did I insult your hooyo you silly man? The whole idea wasn’t just about clan, it was about exploitation of women and men refusing to provide for kids unless they rip them from the mother.

There is nothing practical about this, it was simply something done to women because they could. It was a case of your kids and you will starve if you don’t hand over the kids. Kids aren’t seen as ‘alien’ when it comes to their mother’s kin. Many kids were raised by their mother’s side as long as they had the money to feed the kid and the mother together or if the father didn’t by force take the kids. It was by force many a times. The man out of spite at times will take them and not even allow the mother to see them. I know old women this has happened to.

If my simple example pissed you of then YOU know that no one can replace a mother, where it be a step mother, a grandmother or an aunt.

You’re flipping disingenuous hiding behind ‘muh mother’ when you know I’ve never said anything disrespectful. I have my limits warya and I’d never insult a Somali mother but you’re grasping at straws because you can’t handle how silly and inappropriate your point was.

Saying your mother would sacrifice everything for you and that not one can replace her care isn’t saying anything, it is the modus operandi of ALL mothers. So don’t you dare act like a victim in this when I never said anything negative about your mum.

 

[Dibleyy]

Try and match his energy tbh, if he expects money you expect money too and say that you have nothing in your account and have debts. If he says to call, just lie and say you call him all the time and no one picks up. The easiest way I find is to play the same game he’s playing, be absent but act like your there.

I’m sorry abayo useless fathers are the worst and frustrating.

 

[Inquisitive_]

This is strategic btw, young men talk this way so that they can justify behaving this way in the future. When you normalize and undermine the injustice, it will continue and that’s why Somalis have very high rates of dead beat fathers. This has been systematically deemed acceptable.

I get that Islamically there should be a modicum of respect for the simple fact that he is her biological father, but this man is clearly sniffing for money and she would be well within her rights to respectfully shut this down.

I literally know friends who were in that exact position and were then emotionally blackmailed by their sperm donors. Some even mentally abused their mothers flaunting their preference for second wife and abandoning them as well which will obviously inflict trauma and deep disappointment whilst simultaneously being expected to fund the siblings of the second wife whom they were spurned for.

OP, pick up his calls, listen to his drivel for the sake of Allah but don’t ever send him money. Simply politely talk to him and if he presses, politely remind him that he has shirked on his duties. As a girl, he should be providing for you, you’re still under his wing since you’re unmarried, but due to some Somali men being effeminate they will still stick out their hands to ask their daughters for a pay off.

Let's establish facts.

1. According to her own story which I read carefully he NEVER actually asked her for money, she is just making the presumption he will, and this is a theme in her post, assuming the very worst.

2. We only have one side of the story and not the other, reminds me of the incident Dawud in the Qur'an, when you hear something so proposterous, it's natural for us to quickly rush to judgement, but Allah warns us about this as it's so common.

I have encountered these types of stories a thousand times, and every time that girl goes on to either marry a deadbeat herself or more often then not a decent guy she divorces on a whim and then severes the ties of the Father to the kids, while playing victim, something they claim their own mothers didn't do.

This is classic inkaar walid, in our tradition the curse of the Father is seen in this world, and it usually manifest itself in your marriage, and only then she will learn her lessons but most of them don't as they have ZERO discernment or spiritual awareness.

I genuine feel bad for her, but not in the superficial misguided way most people on here do, it's for her future, because I have seen this playbook many times and the dark places it leads to.

What happened to Nabi Yusuf is far worse then her story, he ended up not only forgiving his brothers but also handing them sustenance despite their heinous plot to kill him, they attested to his superiority and he became their ruler.

Even the infidels understand this concept, let her go to any therapist and they will teach her that forgiveness benefits her not him, and that pain is just weakness leaving the body.

The correct way to act if we assume the story is 100% factual is simple, it happened because it's Allah's Qadr, so I have to be satisfied with it, and understand that there is a greater wisdom at play that I will come to learn off if I am patient, like Yusuf and his Father were.

Once that is established, forgiveness, forging relationship and even financial support are easy things, your doing so to please Allah, and it's a sign of your superiority over him and his abject humiliation that will eat away at him.

That's how this generational curse is broken, it will positively impact her ability to form a healthy toxic free relationship, raise great children and it will be a means of her ascension in this life & next rather than descension or stagnation trajectory.

This is a script that everyone enjoys which inspires like the Yusuf story, unlike the current script which is no different to the millions online seeking just sympathy and pity.

 

[Unicorn]

Let's establish facts.

1. According to her own story which I read carefully he NEVER actually asked her for money, she is just making the presumption he will, and this is a theme in her post, assuming the very worst.

2. We only have one side of the story and not the other, reminds me of the incident Dawud in the Qur'an, when you hear something so proposterous, it's natural for us to quickly rush to judgement, but Allah warns us about this as it's so common.

I have encountered these types of stories a thousand times, and every time that girl goes on to either marry a deadbeat herself or more often then not a decent guy she divorces on a whim and then severes the ties of the Father to the kids, while playing victim, something they claim their own mothers didn't do.

This is classic inkaar walid, in our tradition the curse of the Father is seen in this world, and it usually manifest itself in your marriage, and only then she will learn her lessons but most of them don't as they have ZERO discernment or spiritual awareness.

I genuine feel bad for her, but not in the superficial misguided way most people on here do, it's for her future, because I have seen this playbook many times and the dark places it leads to.

What happened to Nabi Yusuf is far worse then her story, he ended up not only forgiving his brothers but also handing them sustenance despite their heinous plot to kill him, they attested to his superiority and he became their ruler.

Even the infidels understand this concept, let her go to any therapist and they will teach her that forgiveness benefits her not him, and that pain is just weakness leaving the body.

The correct way to act if we assume the story is 100% factual is simple, it happened because it's Allah's Qadr, so I have to be satisfied with it, and understand that there is a greater wisdom at play that I will come to learn off if I am patient, like Yusuf and his Father were.

Once that is established, forgiveness, forging relationship and even financial support are easy things, your doing so to please Allah, and it's a sign of your superiority over him and his abject humiliation that will eat away at him.

That's how this generational curse is broken, it will positively impact her ability to form a healthy toxic free relationship, raise great children and it will be a means of her ascension in this life & next rather than descension or stagnation trajectory.

This is a script that everyone enjoys which inspires like the Yusuf story, unlike the current script which is no different to the millions online seeking just sympathy and pity.

The curse of a dead beat

 

[Angelina]

Let's establish facts.

1. According to her own story which I read carefully he NEVER actually asked her for money, she is just making the presumption he will, and this is a theme in her post, assuming the very worst.

2. We only have one side of the story and not the other, reminds me of the incident Dawud in the Qur'an, when you hear something so proposterous, it's natural for us to quickly rush to judgement, but Allah warns us about this as it's so common.

I have encountered these types of stories a thousand times, and every time that girl goes on to either marry a deadbeat herself or more often then not a decent guy she divorces on a whim and then severes the ties of the Father to the kids, while playing victim, something they claim their own mothers didn't do.

This is classic inkaar walid, in our tradition the curse of the Father is seen in this world, and it usually manifest itself in your marriage, and only then she will learn her lessons but most of them don't as they have ZERO discernment or spiritual awareness.

I genuine feel bad for her, but not in the superficial misguided way most people on here do, it's for her future, because I have seen this playbook many times and the dark places it leads to.

What happened to Nabi Yusuf is far worse then her story, he ended up not only forgiving his brothers but also handing them sustenance despite their heinous plot to kill him, they attested to his superiority and he became their ruler.

Even the infidels understand this concept, let her go to any therapist and they will teach her that forgiveness benefits her not him, and that pain is just weakness leaving the body.

The correct way to act if we assume the story is 100% factual is simple, it happened because it's Allah's Qadr, so I have to be satisfied with it, and understand that there is a greater wisdom at play that I will come to learn off if I am patient, like Yusuf and his Father were.

Once that is established, forgiveness, forging relationship and even financial support are easy things, your doing so to please Allah, and it's a sign of your superiority over him and his abject humiliation that will eat away at him.

That's how this generational curse is broken, it will positively impact her ability to form a healthy toxic free relationship, raise great children and it will be a means of her ascension in this life & next rather than descension or stagnation trajectory.

This is a script that everyone enjoys which inspires like the Yusuf story, unlike the current script which is no different to the millions online seeking just sympathy and pity.

No, the girls im talking about are happily married to professional men. They actually give their dead beat dad money and provide for their siblings from second marriage. So instead of hoping for their downfall when these girls are funding a man who never gave them a penny fear Allah walal. Women aren’t to blame for the sins of men. This is why I come across as biased when it comes to women because even if a man is a deadbeat you still have to blame women. Whether it be the mother or an innocent daughter. This is a sickness. You can never hold men accountable and that’s why my post are like this towards you. Even if they chose to give him nothing, that’s well within their rights. They are women. It is her father’s duty to provide for the unmarried ones.

Allah is just and the Habaar of someone who is injust and didn’t do his duty will not be accepted. Do not come here with your ignorant Somali jahil. This is something many Somali men succumb to when they don’t do their duties. Talking abohr

As long as someone is not blatantly disrespecting their father and still speaks to him in a normal humanly respectful way, he is not entitled to anything. She’s a woman, under Islam, he should still be providing for her.

As for her father, she should speak to him but we all know his script. They come when their daughters and sons reach the age in which they have jobs. This is so common in our community. This has happened to friends, neighbors, kids of the local aunties, it’s so common it’s unbelievable and a stain on the Somali community.

For her sake, I hope not. But we will not be surprised in a month if he asks. Personally I’d give it just to shame him and to collect extra ajar.

 

[Farahslayer]

Let's establish facts.

1. According to her own story which I read carefully he NEVER actually asked her for money, she is just making the presumption he will, and this is a theme in her post, assuming the very worst.

2. We only have one side of the story and not the other, reminds me of the incident Dawud in the Qur'an, when you hear something so proposterous, it's natural for us to quickly rush to judgement, but Allah warns us about this as it's so common.

I have encountered these types of stories a thousand times, and every time that girl goes on to either marry a deadbeat herself or more often then not a decent guy she divorces on a whim and then severes the ties of the Father to the kids, while playing victim, something they claim their own mothers didn't do.

This is classic inkaar walid, in our tradition the curse of the Father is seen in this world, and it usually manifest itself in your marriage, and only then she will learn her lessons but most of them don't as they have ZERO discernment or spiritual awareness.

I genuine feel bad for her, but not in the superficial misguided way most people on here do, it's for her future, because I have seen this playbook many times and the dark places it leads to.

What happened to Nabi Yusuf is far worse then her story, he ended up not only forgiving his brothers but also handing them sustenance despite their heinous plot to kill him, they attested to his superiority and he became their ruler.

Even the infidels understand this concept, let her go to any therapist and they will teach her that forgiveness benefits her not him, and that pain is just weakness leaving the body.

The correct way to act if we assume the story is 100% factual is simple, it happened because it's Allah's Qadr, so I have to be satisfied with it, and understand that there is a greater wisdom at play that I will come to learn off if I am patient, like Yusuf and his Father were.

Once that is established, forgiveness, forging relationship and even financial support are easy things, your doing so to please Allah, and it's a sign of your superiority over him and his abject humiliation that will eat away at him.

That's how this generational curse is broken, it will positively impact her ability to form a healthy toxic free relationship, raise great children and it will be a means of her ascension in this life & next rather than descension or stagnation trajectory.

This is a script that everyone enjoys which inspires like the Yusuf story, unlike the current script which is no different to the millions online seeking just sympathy and pity.

Wallee I laugh at the degeneracy Somali culture. Unlike other culture where women are painted as witches, in ours, it’s the men who have taken on this feminine role. As they do in almost every gamut.

Somali women can be cursed by these male witches if they reject their advances and now if they have a witch for a sperm donor.

Do these male witches have a coven where they cast spells (habar) in groups for greater power?

 

[Aseer]

Wallee I laugh at the degeneracy Somali culture. Unlike other culture where women are painted as witches, in ours, it’s the men who have taken on this feminine role. As they do in almost every gamut.

Somali women can be cursed by these male witches if they reject their advances and now if they have a witch for a sperm donor.

Do these male witches have a coven where they cast spells (habar) in groups for greater power?

"Farahslayer"

 

[Farahslayer]

"Farahslayer"

Did you think I was a witch?

 

[Inquisitive_]

No, the girls im talking about are happily married to professional men. They actually give their dead beat dad money and provide for their siblings from second marriage. So instead of hoping for their downfall when these girls are funding a man who never gave them a penny fear Allah walal. Women aren’t to blame for the sins of men. This is why I come across as biased when it comes to women because even if a man is a deadbeat you still have to blame women. Whether it be the mother or an innocent daughter. This is a sickness. You can never hold men accountable and that’s why my post are like this towards you. Even if they chose to give him nothing, that’s well within their rights. They are women. It is her father’s duty to provide for the unmarried ones.

Allah is just and the Habaar of someone who is injust and didn’t do his duty will not be accepted. Do not come here with your ignorant Somali jahil. This is something many Somali men succumb to when they don’t do their duties. Talking abohr

As long as someone is not blatantly disrespecting their father and still speaks to him in a normal humanly respectful way, he is not entitled to anything. She’s a woman, under Islam, he should still be providing for her.

As for her father, she should speak to him but we all know his script. They come when their daughters and sons reach the age in which they have jobs. This is so common in our community. This has happened to friends, neighbors, kids of the local aunties, it’s so common it’s unbelievable and a stain on the Somali community.

For her sake, I hope not. But we will not be surprised in a month if he asks. Personally I’d give it just to shame him and to collect extra ajar.

Those women you have mentioned happily married who took the highroad and pay sadaqah to the 'deadbeat' is why they have happy marriages.

Those cursing their fathers and as a result angered by Allah's qadr for them, we see their playbook all the time, they end up in bad marriages themselves and in every case I have heard off they commit far worse crimes by actually cutting ties of the Father to the child during divorce.

I know of several friends going through court cases just to have a relationship with their children, and every one of those women hated her father.

This what is meant by habaar not the actual curse of the Father, he never wanted that for her, but that's just the nature how it ends up, whoever shows arrogance Allah will humiliate them eventually, and whoever humbled himself for his sake he will elevate, that's what your friends did and look at them.

These are basic islamic principles, even the infidels and irreligious understand this, you cannot have a healthy relationship or marriage while having hatred in your heart for your father, that's why in therapy circles your taught forgiveness is FOR YOU not FOR the PERPETRATOR.

This is a TEST and I want her not just do the bare minimum but pass this with flying colours, like those friends you discussed, so she can reap the rewards in THIS LIFE as well as the next.

But all your doing is reinforcing her HATRED and strengthening it rather then encouraging her to be better or even SHAME HER if that doesn't work.

You of all people should know there is two sides to a story, I have seen people experience the same event but come out with two polar opposite interpretations, it doesn't mean someone is a liar, people are just different and perceive things differently based on many factors.

She got the mothers side of the story and consumed this as the absolute truth, if she had any discernment she would have sat down with her Father and asked him point blank for all the things she is blasting him for.

At least if she did that, her story would be more credible rather than extremely bias and one-sided.

In many cases I have seen the father is cut off from his children and is forced to move on, yes you have scumbags among them that view the marriage as a package and later on in life regrets this, we simply don't know and she never asked.

Regardless you should be advising her to do what your friends did and not reinforce that bitterness she has, she is doing the bare minimum currently, I want her to excel so she is elevated in this life and next.