That is absolutely brutal, older gen somalis are very prideful doing just that would be earth shattering
Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.
- Thread starter Yaraye
- Start date
It's not entirely realistic to expect that people should be alone forever after divorce or separation. It's not a Somali phenomena, its common theme throughout, even among other Muslims.
We don't live in the socio-economic circumstances of the past. We live in times where people have housing, employment problems and where most families can't even live on a single pay check.
If the father does re-marry his social-economic resources will most likely go the current family or to keep himself afloat if he moves out/or away.
Thats really what it comes down to. That's why i say that people oversimplifying things.
It's not in regard the actions of the absentee father, which is clearly wrong. But the implications of cutting off half your heritage is profound for the child themselves.
Even if negative, some sort of closure is better. It is never healthy to have pent up resentment towards anyone especially a parent.
Women do it all the time to care for their kids. Children need food on the table. Your needs come above children
Idilinaa, if you have children you need to provide something. You cannot put your needs above your children Idiliina, I think this is obvious. Children in fact need more now, hence it’s even more selfish to let them live a subpar life for the sake of wanting another woman.
He has no right to remarry if he knows his current children would go without. Who are more important, current children or future unborn kids? Also, how do you think this will fare on the DOJ of when some kids get more than others?
A court would calculate how much he can afford that won’t eat into his own housing rent ect.
No, you think being a father is optional. I see it with your responses. I don’t think you understand Islamically that a father is 100% responsible for his offspring.
Now, my (qabil) legacy doesn't visit me.
It's a cautionary tale.
The mother remarry as well, it's not just a father thing. Just so you know.
If the father has the economic resources he usually provides and even forced to.
''He should'' is not the same as '' He can. ''. The court can't make you pay what you don't have. So they always factor in the wealth and financial status the father has when they ask for child support.
They will at least force you to pay at least something. We are not talking about paupers here who need handouts themselves and the average Somali in the West isn’t dirt poor so that excuses doesn’t fly. Every man needs to pay something within his means. You cannot use ‘oh I want to remarry’ as an excuse.
I think it’s an evident between the two of us, a man that has the funds to remarry has the funds to put food on the table and it’s a question of how selfish is he? Is he going to choose his needs over raising children? You cannot make excuses for that.
I also find it insane that you don’t think of the economics constraints of mothers. Women on average are poorer post divorce but they still have to put food on the table if the father refuses if else the kids will starve. That’s a father’s job she is doing which you’re making excuses for. You cannot be thinking about a fathers ‘needs’ to marry and his socioeconomic situation when mothers are much more likely to be in poverty than the father. If a man is genuinely poor, yes but you’re clearly talking about a man that can cough up a wedding, Mehr and the list continues but you’re okaying him choosing his sexual needs over his children?!
So yes, your previous replies showed you think fatherhood is optional. Hence I had to analyze your point. You seem to think a man’s need to remarry champions what his current kids will eat.
Last edited:
The responsibility of maintaining and forming a relationship with the father shouldn't be on the mother. You're being way too lenient here. You can't push a kid onto someone since kids will pick up on that. Kids are perceptive. All hooyo can do is accommodate for him.
The man should be genuinely interested in doing that with his offspring. Men should be held to higher standards when it comes to being good fathers. If he doesn't have money (you don't need money to express love), he can still call or visit as much as possible. More than the usual number mentioned by the op.
Nobody wants to feel unwanted by their parent which is what the absent fathers are doing. That is more detrimental to a child's self development and identity.
Last edited:
Sophisticated, they do visit and they do return the calls due to emotional blackmail and because as Somalis we are Muslim and would never leave our fathers regardless of how dead beat he is in a care home. This is why deadbeat Somali men will always have a free pass unless they’re shamed by other men. Children won’t be able to get their revenge but just hope he will be questioned on the DOJ, that’s the only thing that they can do. The last thing I’d want God forbid if I had a father like that is to normalize care homes to my children so for that alone and I’d take him in and look after him.
Last edited:
I don't know what the exact arrangements are in these type of scenarios, i assume it has to do with re-assigning parental rights or even the work out some payment plan. Child support amounts take into account the father's income, the number of children he has to support, and other factors. In some cases, if the father has a new family, his child support obligation to children from the previous marriage may be adjusted to reflect his new family responsibilities.
The court will even temporarily suspend payment until the father is financially able.
But yeah if they have the funds and economic resources they will most likely pay.
Why should his current children get more money? That isn’t allowed Islamically he is meant to try and support them all equally. If the ex wife has housing paid for, that’s one less burden, so he will not have to pay rent and electricity for the previous family but he must allocate funds. It’s not as if he’s fully supporting two families he’s not paying rent or bills of the kids.
For example, if he lives in a country in which schooling is paid for, he cannot pay for the schools of his new family and not pay the schooling for previous kids. That’s haram Idilina.
Whilst they’re suspending payment who is meant to pay? The mother? So ultimately you think the main responsibility is the mother and the father ‘chips’ in. It doesn’t work like that Islamically.
I’m sorry but your mentality is totally off and it’s evident you think a man can start a new family and that his new kids have more rights. That is totally incorrect.
Last edited:
I understand that they visit and return calls, driven by religious duty and cultural obligation to honour their parents, regardless of past behaviour. While this may work, it has its limits. The next generation may not feel the same commitment to care for a parent who has been physically absent or shown a severe lack of concern. Not everyone is inclined to act benevolently in such circumstances. Time will reveal how this dynamic plays out.
Yes I’m seeing it in the attitudes of the youngster, hence young Abdis with kids who are planning to be deadbeat better beware, they won’t get the privileges the older gen enjoyed mostly fueled by culture and religion.
Who said anything about his current children getting more money? It's adjusted to what the needs are and his financial capabilities.
Suspending payment means if i have 0 money in your bank account. They wait until you have more money so you can make the payment.
You are acting like the father in most cases is withholding money that he has , which is not the case.
Reiterate, if they are able to they will.
It should be i have seen with cadaans the far lengths they go to. I assume it matters more to them or they just have better parenting education.
The mother is the link and often maintains or is awarded majority custody, so it impossible without their cooperation and initiation.
But ultimately it's on the both parents to prioritize the kids interests.
Last edited:
I only acted that way when you absurdly used his needs to remarry being an excuse to not provide and that was what I was surprised about. A father’s remarriage has no bearing. In fact it is an indication that he was able to pay before his remarriage since Mehr, wedding hall ect are expensive, but chose a new woman over food for his children. That’s horrendous to me and not something to explain away.
I was saying that it creates financial constraints, not just remarry but also among other things.
But of course he should pay and financially support his children from his previous marriage if he is able to. I have never contested this.
She doesn't necessarily have to be his main link to his child if he is maintaining constant contact with the kid himself. They can have a relationship to update each other on the child's needs but he should have a more direct relationship with the kid. Do you want the mother to chase the dad around asking him to do things with his kid?
I understand if a mother is making things difficult why she would be the link and needs to cooperate. But for the quiet mothers who try for their children's sake it's more of a burden for them to get a grown man to do his fatherly role. Mom already has too much on her plate raising kids alone. Initiating contact (at first) and keeping it up should his responsibility if he wants to show his genuine interest in his offspring.
Yes that's how it goes from studies i have read, mothers are more likely to maintain or encourage contact between the child and the father after a divorce or separation.
So in general , it usually the mothers taking the initiative and are often facilitators. It makes sense when you think about.
But i can also see it from your point of view how this often not easy if the mother feels a burden, or is overwhelmed or is a quiet type . This is also where the fathers efforts to initiate and do more should play a role.
Last edited:
Trending
-
-
-
Men line up for a sexual encounter with white OF wh*res (Majority Blacks)- Started by Arkan
- Replies: 80
