Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.

[𐒁𐒚𐒒𐒂𐒘𐒂𐒗 𐒎𐒚𐒗𐒗𐒒]

Sorry to hear that abayo. Deadbeat Somali odays always show up around the time their children start earning money. Keep being polite and give him the minimum amount of charity you can get away with islamically. Just see him as a charity case and treat him as such. This may help you distance from his deadbeat-ness and feel less rage. He is a test so just close your eyes and visualise your good deeds increasing when it is time for his performative phone calls.

 

[𐒁𐒚𐒒𐒂𐒘𐒂𐒗 𐒎𐒚𐒗𐒗𐒒]

It is so fake and disgusting when a man pretends his ex wife keeps him away from his children.

Most women would love to share responsibilities and get financial aid to raise the kids. Not to mention, time for themselves.
Ask these deadbeats when they tried to call, visit or even filed a case, they always start stuttering then. Always with the victim act and "my ex is crazy" "my ex keeps kids away from me".

In reality they are relieved they got away with ditching their responsibilities knowing that a woman is shouldering the burden alone.

Ufff

 

[Riftvalley]

Runaway camels and runaway faraxs are a curse.

 

[Keep it a boqol]

I’ve never been in this situation before. I have cousins who had this dynamic however.

One constantly gives the father who walked out what they need and the other cut him off.

I’d say do what you have to do islamically speaking. Minimal contact so to speak and just keep doing what your doing i suppose. I’d talk to a shaykh about your situation and how to love forward with you father from now on.

I understand why you feel like you shouldn’t help him and give him anything due to the years of neglect he caused.

 

[Idilinaa]

Sorry to hear that abayo. Deadbeat Somali odays always show up around the time their children start earning money. Keep being polite and give him the minimum amount of charity you can get away with islamically. Just see him as a charity case and treat him as such. This may help you distance from his deadbeat-ness and feel less rage. He is a test so just close your eyes and visualise your good deeds increasing when it is time for his performative phone calls.

People reach out to family when they are going through hardships and struggles. When you are at a extremely old age , you probably only have your children to reach out to. It's not a Somali deadbeat thing, it actually shows desperation and you have no one else to turn to, it happens a lot

This actually presents @Yaraye with an opportunity to share how he feels to his dad, everything he told us and but also reconnect and understand his father better. He might even come to understand him more and it might even resolve some misconceptions.

There is nothing more fake and disgusting than a man who pretends his ex wife keeps him away from his children. Most women would love to share responsibilities and get financial aid to raise the kids. Not to mention, time for themselves. Ask these deadbeats when they tried to call, visit or even filed a case, they always start stuttering then. Always with the victim act and "my ex is crazy" "my ex keeps kids away from me".

Ufff

It's not solely the ex- wives fault but it is issues between both that might be a barrier to maintain that contact.

Are you suggesting there is no bad blood, disputes or irreconcilable differences that come from divorce/seperation? Like couples always leave each other on good terms ?

Parents can have these differences but chose to look passed them to prioritize the kids and make efforts on behalf of the kids.

Financial aid has nothing to with crazy ex preventing you , it has to do with if your capable of giving it.
There are fathers out there that never see their kids and still pay child support. But that's not connection building.

 

[idc]

they only come back when the money runs out and they're getting too old and need support. oh well, you can keep your fake kindness. u had 18 years to be a father and build a relationship with your children, yet now u want to act like nothing happened. It's not like when you're at war, locked up, or missing. no, you chose to leave your family as a grown man with full control over your actions

 

[Hared]

There is no excuse whatsoever for an absconding father unless incarcerated. I don't even think it's natural, it's beyond even selfishness. I would categorise it as illness a sick person. I think that would be good way to look at it for everyone involved and then do your islamic duties for the station of a parent and their rights is much exalted to the point we are told we can only disobey them if they tell us to leave the religion. View him as a test and your way to jannah. May Allah make it easy for you.

 

[gasara]

He failed his duties as a Father. I would not be helping him at all. I’d even reduce the amount of time I spoke to him too. If he needs money he should go work till he’s sick cuz I won’t be helping.

 

[gasara]

For deadbeats I hope Jahannam waits for you. I really hate deadbeats and their family that coddles them. This is why this behaviour keeps happening men are never held accountable at all. How many mothers do you know who’ve left their children? I’ve only heard of one. But when it comes to men it’s many! And you tell them why don’t you help your own kids. Mfers say the Moms got it! I survived with no parents! And what angers me is these mfers remarry and leave their kids in poverty. And his sister, mother, brother, family in general will defend him.

 

[Gacmeey]

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[Aurelian]

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This would make any man blood boil. I don't want to insult you, but you and your siblings seem a bit weak. If I was you, with this treatment, I'd sweep the floor on him the moment he showed himself, and told him never to contact you again. Stop being like chicken, and put this man in his place. Disregard any backlash from your family and community. They will forget about that in the next week. Somalis are 70% daacad 30% sociopaths with short memory. Your father is in the 30%, cut that parasite off. Try to open the eyes of your siblings, brain wash if you can. You gotta be a sociopath to deal with sociopaths.

 

[Rayaale]

Ungrateful. He's still your father some people don't have fathers you should give him a chance maybe he changed.

Are you Salafi by chance

 

[Atoosh]

Sophisticated, they do visit and they do return the calls due to emotional blackmail and because as Somalis we are Muslim and would never leave our fathers regardless of how dead beat he is in a care home. This is why deadbeat Somali men will always have a free pass unless they’re shamed by other men. Children won’t be able to get their revenge but just hope he will be questioned on the DOJ, that’s the only thing that they can do. The last thing I’d want God forbid if I had a father like that is to normalize care homes to my children so for that alone and I’d take him in and look after him.

Funny enough - the way I see many young Somali Americans I actually see a future where many deadbeats or abusive parents are put into nursing homes by their children. I don't think many children today are as forgiving as previous generations regardless of deen.

It's a sad reality.

 

[Lightshow]

Funny enough - the way I see many young Somali Americans I actually see a future where many deadbeats or abusive parents are put into nursing homes by their children. I don't think many children today are as forgiving as previous generations regardless of deen.

It's a sad reality.

I believe that we are heading towards dark times. These developments are not a good thing by any means.

 

[Kisame]

Lool f*ck that nigga.

A decent amount of somali fathers had no interest in actually raising children. Most of them were raised with the "it takes a village to raise a child" mindset. They had kids just to have them.

 

[Kisame]

Funny enough - the way I see many young Somali Americans I actually see a future where many deadbeats or abusive parents are put into nursing homes by their children. I don't think many children today are as forgiving as previous generations regardless of deen.

It's a sad reality.

I'm fully expecting this to happen.

Somalis in the west have been the first ones to learn what proper parenting is like. We honestly need a parenting revolution back home. Somalis need to learn how to properly raise kids.

 

[Varriris]

Funny enough - the way I see many young Somali Americans I actually see a future where many deadbeats or abusive parents are put into nursing homes by their children. I don't think many children today are as forgiving as previous generations regardless of deen.

It's a sad reality.

Certain values haven’t been instilled in diaspora kids like they have in past generations or ppl back home. There is no strong cultural pressure here so alot of neglectful parents will be abandoned in old age, especially fathers.

 

[SixthAbdi]

I'm fully expecting this to happen.

Somalis in the west have been the first ones to learn what proper parenting is like. We honestly need a parenting revolution back home. Somalis need to learn how to properly raise kids.

You can't expect a largely premodern society where a sizeable chunk of the population engages in some form of pastoralism to have nuclear tight knit families akin to the west.
Maybe this type of lifestyle can develop in cities but a widespread cultural revolution is never going to happen until Somalia fully industrializes

 

[SixthAbdi]

Funny enough - the way I see many young Somali Americans I actually see a future where many deadbeats or abusive parents are put into nursing homes by their children. I don't think many children today are as forgiving as previous generations regardless of deen.

It's a sad reality.

A lot of these deadbeats (and future deadbeats) will move to Africa to get a second wife where their behaviors are more accepted.

 

[gasara]

A lot of these deadbeats (and future deadbeats) will move to Africa to get a second wife where their behaviors are more accepted.

They’ll go back home to get a poor and struggling wife. This won’t work on the middle class or upper class women from what I’ve seen.