Why would your hooyo not want you to move out with him? This sounds very weird even for traditional standards. How do you know she won't say this for any other potential spouse?Yeah we were at dinner together and he was talking about wanting to build a house for us and she said she wanted like a two story house but separate so that we could always be connected and that she could take care of our future children and he said what about a separate house and she said no I am giving you privacy so I don’t hear your activities I want a duplex and then he ghosted basically
Mom Doesn’t Let Me Go Out
- Thread starter minaaa
- Start date
My mom is a divorcée as of recently and I’m the only person in her life so that might be why. It’s not about him it’s about her not wanting to be alone.
Odious Delirium
VIP
Damn your mom needs to make freinds try and help her with that. It looks like you are her support system and she can't do without you that aint healthy. You need to slowly create boundaries between you two otherwise she's gonna scare away every guy that comes your way
Have all of your other siblings moved out as well?
Yes I’m the youngest
Imo you definitely should not feel pressured/coerced into shouldering you hooyos emotional problems especially if it's inhibiting your growth as a person. The more you feed into this the more you will be held back in life.
Your mom seems to be under some stress so maybe it’s her frustration that causes all this. You don’t have to mention those personal dreams for your spouse and you in front of your mother.
It’s hard but you must be gentle with her while still living your life like an adult. Don’t be extreme with your behavior cause that could set her off and make her feel justified for all her past behaviors. I would say don’t wait to get permission to live your life. As long as you’re not doing something haram, go for it.
Have you considered getting a respected older sibling or relative to speak to your mom on your behalf?
Smart Whenever I want to travel , I used to tell my mom that I am going on a work trip
This is key. It will be annoying and tedious, but OP you will be better off in the long run. Ruining your relationship with your mother is not worth the fleeting satisfaction of going out all the time. Trust me.
I have an idea? Take your mother on outings also. This way she can see that you are responsible and she will see why it's fun. Also try to find ways to get her to go out. Encourage her to join classes etc. You need to make her busy so that she doesn't hyperfocus on you.
im an only child and even my mum isn't that controlling. how does your mum know all these things about your friends? I stopped telling my mum bad stuff about my friends bc of this exact reason, we are old enough to make our own decisions and judgements.
what does your dad say about this, maybe he could talk to her?
what does your dad say about this, maybe he could talk to her?
Yes thanks for your advice. We’re having a talk about it now and she says she is not trying to be controlling or anything it’s more about protecting me because many good Somali girls in our area their moms let them go and they die in clubs because of their “friends”, get prostituted by Jamaicans and Arabs, etc. and this is very painful to experience as the trauma will stay with you forever all because you decided to trust people who were in your life temporarily or for a temporary pleasure. When she was young and her parents weren’t strict enough the colonial military men would take advantage of girls at clubs and Somali women would be the ones setting up their friends. Even though it never happened to her, this inspired her to be more cautious of friends and others because you never know other peoples intentions, and it inspired her to follow Islam more closely and it is her responsibility to take care of me according to Islam. She said she doesn’t oppose me having fun it’s just if I go to secluded places such as a cottage with people I don’t really know, anything can happen so she’d rather I go with people she knows and trusts. If I stay out too late in my city, I would be in danger there’s a huge opioid and homeless crisis and people get stabbed at night by them all the time so she makes a fair point. She explained that she was opposed to me travelling alone because locals take advantage of tourists especially when they’re women and in moments of danger in a foreign country my friends could abandon me out of fear, which is why it’s better to travel with my cousins and other family members to be safe. I guess she has a point. As for everything else I think it is due to her loneliness I’m the nicest one to her and also the closest so we are attached to each other. But she told me she will allow me to make my own decisions as long as they’re with good people so I’ll see how it goes.
A woman doesn’t need a Mahram when going out in the vicinity of her city. She needs a mahram if she’s traveling outside of the country. I don’t know why you’re peddling false points about needing one to like going to the grocery store for instance.
Odious Delirium
VIP
Can you get the madhabs opinion on that.
I believe you can't travel without one beyond the duration of 3 days and 3 nights of travel which is about 50 miles so not outside a country but maybe a couple cites away.
For those that are saying she needs to obey her mother ect, I see your point and agree that children should fear Allah and obey their parents. However, the OPs issues is so much more than just wanting to run around with friends as some posters are reducing it to.
Here are my concerns:
1. People need a community and like minded men and women they can connect with. Her mother seems to be an obstacle.
2. It seems that your mother is unfortunately anti-social and isn’t part of the Somali community. That’s an issue when it comes to marriage and other important social events in which you need people around you and their help. Even finding spouses, doing bachground checks and the likes. People recommending you for their sons ect.
3. To make things worse, the mother is also ruining OPs chance of marriage due to her self-isolation. She’s become toxic and co-dependent.
4. Since OPs mother doesn’t have a friendship group, isn’t part of the wider Somali community, doesn’t have a husband, it will be difficult for OP to have a stable married life without her mother needing to insert herself due to sheer loneliness.
5. I’m afraid that you’re mother wants to turn you into her. As you can see, not having a community and people to turn to, puts people in a very difficult mental headspace and even results in people jeopardizing their own children’s marriage prospects or ability to have healthy relationships with even a spouse.
6. Seriously, put your foot down and get your aunts involved to speak to your mother. How many men is she going to scare off? She’s been scaring friends off and now future husbands? Your mother obviously loves you, but her antics will destroy your life and make you isolated with no man or friends.
Here are my concerns:
1. People need a community and like minded men and women they can connect with. Her mother seems to be an obstacle.
2. It seems that your mother is unfortunately anti-social and isn’t part of the Somali community. That’s an issue when it comes to marriage and other important social events in which you need people around you and their help. Even finding spouses, doing bachground checks and the likes. People recommending you for their sons ect.
3. To make things worse, the mother is also ruining OPs chance of marriage due to her self-isolation. She’s become toxic and co-dependent.
4. Since OPs mother doesn’t have a friendship group, isn’t part of the wider Somali community, doesn’t have a husband, it will be difficult for OP to have a stable married life without her mother needing to insert herself due to sheer loneliness.
5. I’m afraid that you’re mother wants to turn you into her. As you can see, not having a community and people to turn to, puts people in a very difficult mental headspace and even results in people jeopardizing their own children’s marriage prospects or ability to have healthy relationships with even a spouse.
6. Seriously, put your foot down and get your aunts involved to speak to your mother. How many men is she going to scare off? She’s been scaring friends off and now future husbands? Your mother obviously loves you, but her antics will destroy your life and make you isolated with no man or friends.
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Either way, the original poster I was @ing is wrong to suggest that she needs a Mahram to go out in her daily life. I read 3 days as well.
But here it is:
The majority of scholars define it in terms of distance, which is approximately 80 kilometers.
Others – and this is the view favoured by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah – are of the view that what counts is ‘urf (custom – what is customarily regarded as travel), and not the distance.
So whatever people customarily regard as being travel is travel, and comes under the rulings on travel in sharee’ah.
Odious Delirium
VIP
No she doesn't need any mahram within her city but she needs to get her mother to relax first and not try to make drastic rash changes quickly which could make things worse for her or ruin there relationship
Read my points above. I agree but OPs point isn’t just a mere oh I need to go out and she isn’t letting me which you find with little teens. Her mothers behavior can literally ruin her life.
Odious Delirium
VIP
It already seems to have effected her negatively with the guy who came to marry her for example and potentially losing good friends
Odious Delirium
VIP
