One of my parents is extremely overbearing. I sincerely try my hardest to do everything she wants. I’ve been sheltered my whole life because my mom didn’t want me to "turn out bad." I was also not raised around Somalis for that reason. My social life was non-existent during my teenage years because everything was either about school or dugsi. I was never allowed to do anything fun without explicit permission, and even when I was allowed (maybe once a year), it would be so stressful. My mother would constantly call me and expect me to be home within an hour or two, so those rare moments were often ruined. When I say “fun,” I mean simply going out with friends to the mall, the movies, or even the museum. Otherwise, I never went out.
Now I’m an adult, but my mother still won’t let me go anywhere. I just want to network and get to know people to build my professional circle, but I still have to ask for explicit permission every time I leave the house. Often, I’d rather not go at all because it’s not enjoyable—I end up ruining the mood when I’m out because I start stressing every time my mother calls me.
I’m a college student, and I’m genuinely trying my hardest to balance school, a full-time job, and house responsibilities. I help pay the family bills, pay my own bills, cover my parents' debts, and give my mother money. I work over 60 hours a week and attend school in person Monday through Friday. As some of you know, I’m an engineering student in my final semesters, and I really should be focusing exclusively on school. I see other students my age only worrying about meeting up to work on personal projects, while I’ve yet to complete a single one because I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’m losing critical time and falling behind. I tried explaining this to my mom, but it’s always about her priorities; as the younger one, anything I want comes after what my mom wants.
I once tried to move out, but my mother guilt-tripped me nearly to the point of breakdown, saying it would be a huge *ceeb* and was "destroying her inside." I love my mother, so I gave up on that. Recently, I learned that many Somali students live on campus with their parents' permission, including some I know, and I’m really trying not to feel envious. I’m incredibly jealous, and my mom acts like I’m asking her to let me do prostitution.
Despite working so hard, my mother constantly compares me to others. Just today—and nearly every day—she criticized me for not joining the Mahad program at my local masjid. I simply don’t have two extra days each week to go to dugsi. My mom often accuses me of not caring about the deen because I don’t attend dugsi as an adult. I love Islam, and only Allah (SWT) knows how hard I try to stay connected with the masjid despite my busy schedule. I’ve looked into online programs many times but haven’t found one that fits. My mother insists I’m exaggerating and says I’m "not the first person to go to university"; she knows girls who go to school full-time and are also involved at the masjid. I hate these comparisons and have told my mother that being an engineering major is very different from say, psychology. I hate saying this but my mom stays comparing me to people I know and I'm pretty much malaa'ig compared to them.
I have almost no time for myself. I go to the gym in the early mornings, from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., just to stay in shape. I am emotionally, mentally, and financially exhausted, and yet all my mother does is yell at me or criticize me, whether I’m at home or not. I thought this was normal for Somalis, but it’s really not. My mother expects me to be financially responsible for the family, excel in school, tutor my siblings, and handle the cooking and cleaning at home. I love my mother, and I know she’s faced a lot in her life, but this is simply too much. The other day, she told me that even if I’m married with kids, if she says “Move to Africa,” I have to move to Africa because she’s my mother. I fear that if I don’t do something soon, my life will be like this forever. Alhamdulilah despite my parents very strict rules, I’m not really socially or emotionally stunted. I act very normal around other people and I also keep my family business to myself. I’m not sure if I should say Alhamdulilah but if I have my entire mood destroyed, I have the ability to completely change my attitude and forget about it once I walk out the door. Even though I’m in distress, I will never let it show from the outside. I guess this is my coping mechanism or whatever they call it.
I never asked anyone for advice before because I thought my mother would loosen up as I got older, but her control has only intensified. As a woman, I find myself held to a far stricter standard than my brothers, who are given much more freedom. I can’t help but feel growing resentment and frustration over this disparity.
Now I’m an adult, but my mother still won’t let me go anywhere. I just want to network and get to know people to build my professional circle, but I still have to ask for explicit permission every time I leave the house. Often, I’d rather not go at all because it’s not enjoyable—I end up ruining the mood when I’m out because I start stressing every time my mother calls me.
I’m a college student, and I’m genuinely trying my hardest to balance school, a full-time job, and house responsibilities. I help pay the family bills, pay my own bills, cover my parents' debts, and give my mother money. I work over 60 hours a week and attend school in person Monday through Friday. As some of you know, I’m an engineering student in my final semesters, and I really should be focusing exclusively on school. I see other students my age only worrying about meeting up to work on personal projects, while I’ve yet to complete a single one because I’m constantly busy. I feel like I’m losing critical time and falling behind. I tried explaining this to my mom, but it’s always about her priorities; as the younger one, anything I want comes after what my mom wants.
I once tried to move out, but my mother guilt-tripped me nearly to the point of breakdown, saying it would be a huge *ceeb* and was "destroying her inside." I love my mother, so I gave up on that. Recently, I learned that many Somali students live on campus with their parents' permission, including some I know, and I’m really trying not to feel envious. I’m incredibly jealous, and my mom acts like I’m asking her to let me do prostitution.
Despite working so hard, my mother constantly compares me to others. Just today—and nearly every day—she criticized me for not joining the Mahad program at my local masjid. I simply don’t have two extra days each week to go to dugsi. My mom often accuses me of not caring about the deen because I don’t attend dugsi as an adult. I love Islam, and only Allah (SWT) knows how hard I try to stay connected with the masjid despite my busy schedule. I’ve looked into online programs many times but haven’t found one that fits. My mother insists I’m exaggerating and says I’m "not the first person to go to university"; she knows girls who go to school full-time and are also involved at the masjid. I hate these comparisons and have told my mother that being an engineering major is very different from say, psychology. I hate saying this but my mom stays comparing me to people I know and I'm pretty much malaa'ig compared to them.
I have almost no time for myself. I go to the gym in the early mornings, from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m., just to stay in shape. I am emotionally, mentally, and financially exhausted, and yet all my mother does is yell at me or criticize me, whether I’m at home or not. I thought this was normal for Somalis, but it’s really not. My mother expects me to be financially responsible for the family, excel in school, tutor my siblings, and handle the cooking and cleaning at home. I love my mother, and I know she’s faced a lot in her life, but this is simply too much. The other day, she told me that even if I’m married with kids, if she says “Move to Africa,” I have to move to Africa because she’s my mother. I fear that if I don’t do something soon, my life will be like this forever. Alhamdulilah despite my parents very strict rules, I’m not really socially or emotionally stunted. I act very normal around other people and I also keep my family business to myself. I’m not sure if I should say Alhamdulilah but if I have my entire mood destroyed, I have the ability to completely change my attitude and forget about it once I walk out the door. Even though I’m in distress, I will never let it show from the outside. I guess this is my coping mechanism or whatever they call it.
I never asked anyone for advice before because I thought my mother would loosen up as I got older, but her control has only intensified. As a woman, I find myself held to a far stricter standard than my brothers, who are given much more freedom. I can’t help but feel growing resentment and frustration over this disparity.
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. You won’t get the life you want if you continue this way and you’ll end up being angry and resentful. I’m sure your mother is amazing and has made many sacrifices and therefore you should always respect her and remember heaven is under her feet, but this sort of behavior is also not healthy. She has no sense of boundaries unfortunately and the fact that she believes that if you’re married with kids with a husband you need to consider that she can click her fingers and you should move anywhere she suggests despite having a husband and kids is absurd. Like incredibly so, and you cannot allow that attitude to persist as it can later on destroy your marriage. 
