Deadbeat father wants to reconnect - I don't.

[Leila]

I understand your frustration. You don’t have the responsibility to provide for your father but try to give him enough so that at least he will have the basics (shelter , food). Your father wronged you but try to be kind to him for Allah’s sake.

 

[Angelina]

Funny enough - the way I see many young Somali Americans I actually see a future where many deadbeats or abusive parents are put into nursing homes by their children. I don't think many children today are as forgiving as previous generations regardless of deen.

It's a sad reality.

I think those dead beat fathers deserve to be in care homes, but youngesters are playing checkers not chess. I think it sets a dangerous precedent and can change our culture. Alhamdulliah my father raised us and provided for us, but God forbid if hypothetically I was the daughter of a dead beat I’d look after him if it meant that he’d be left in a care home and it’s only because I would not want my children to normalize that nonsense. Kids do not understand the reason behind why he might be left in a care home, all they can see is the action of it and the last think you’d want to is to normalize that for the younger generation. Plus, it will give you extra deeds for Akhira and you’re modeling good behavior for your children. I think as a mother/father you need to think about stuff like that.

 

[Gaarasho]

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You need Islamic counseling.

 

[Aseer]

You need Islamic counseling.

Yeah I think that is the best way forward, better for her to do that then take the advice of people on this forum

 

[Unicorn]

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[El Nino]

Should we return to the old practice of children staying with the fathers side after divorce

That was the dhaqan back in the days, but that can’t be replicated in the west (yet). The whole extended family is helping to raise the kids, not the case here.

 

[Grigori Rasputin]

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[Grigori Rasputin]

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Serious talk.

Not affording him any excuse but what you’ve described about him is damning.

however,

has it dawned on you maybe he carries undiagnosed some war trauma ? Maybe he is mentally ill.

Lastly, have you gotten to the bottom of what really transpired between him and your mother ? Have you gotten his side of the story. Have you confronted him ?

See, you’d probably have a different perspective as to why he behaved like this. I won’t say it would be justifiable

 

[Angelina]

Should we return to the old practice of children staying with the fathers side after divorce

That was the dhaqan back in the days, but that can’t be replicated in the west (yet). The whole extended family is helping to raise the kids, not the case here.

Yes, poverty stricken women whose children were ripped away from them because the evil father refused to fund them if they’re under her care or because her family can’t feed her and her children? That was the reality of the time. Funny though because despite ripping the children away from mothers, whilst married these same men expected the mother to do everything for the kids ‘because, kids needs mothers’ but now all of a sudden kids don’t need their mothers? Talk about the ultimate contradiction. You’re probably no different and you’d be angry if your wife left your newborn at a daycare for 12 hours because ‘mUh kId nEeds his mOtHeR’.

If you’re arguing this, you clearly believe mothers are replaceable and believe motherhood is based on your needs as father since you’d want a free nanny to take of your kids and once you leave you’ll find another free nanny AKA step mother or your mother. Never taking into account the children’sneed for their mothers. So essentially you believe that a step mother can be a better mother than the woman who sacrificed her body birthing, bleed 40 days straight post birth, waking up 4 times in the middle of the night to breast feed just so that you men can rip the child away?

This won’t ever happen in the West because women work and most women would rather die and I mean it including myself, I’d rather die so respectfully stop being silly.

Your comment irritated me more than anyone’s, ask your hooyo about this. Your own mother would tell you she’d loose her mind if you and your siblings were taken away and this is how your ungrateful ass talks. Imagine thinking men who happily move on would be better parents than a mother who would sell her only kidney for you.

And that’s why: It’s mother, mother, mother and THEN father.

 

[El Nino]

Yes, poverty stricken women whose children were ripped away from them because the evil father refused to fund them if they’re under her care or because her family can’t feed her and her children? That was the reality of the time. Funny though because despite ripping the children away from mothers, whilst married these same men expected the mother to do everything for the kids ‘because, kids needs mothers’ but now all of a sudden kids don’t need their mothers? Talk about the ultimate contradiction. You’re probably no different and you’d be angry if your wife left your newborn at a daycare for 12 hours because ‘mUh kId nEeds his mOtHeR’.

If you’re arguing this, you clearly believe mothers are replaceable and believe motherhood is based on your needs as father since you’d want a free nanny to take of your kids and once you leave you’ll find another free nanny AKA step mother or your mother. Never taking into account the children’sneed for their mothers. So essentially you believe that a step mother can be a better mother than the woman who sacrificed her body birthing, bleed 40 days straight post birth, waking up 4 times in the middle of the night to breast feed just so that you men can rip the child away?

This won’t ever happen in the West because women work and most women would rather die and I mean it including myself, I’d rather die so respectfully stop being silly.

Your comment irritated me more than anyone’s, ask your hooyo about this. Your own mother would tell you she’d loose her mind if you and your siblings were taken away and this is how your ungrateful ass talks. Imagine thinking men who happily move on would be better parents than a mother who would sell her only kidney for you.

And that’s why: It’s mother, mother, mother and THEN father.

You are assuming alot on my behalf, you have crossed a big line. Never bring up my hooyo, who the f*ck you think you are.

I first heard about this dhaqan by my own mother and aunts. They told me about this. Many cultural practises arose from practical needs. Women leaving the kids behind is likely an extreme practice which likely arose from men leaving behind their kids. The woman and the kids would go back to their family for support and thus mean more mouths to feed.

We are patriarchal people so if the kids belonged to a different clan then they would not be welcomed well.

This dhaqan won’t happen here in the west because its alien, just like fgm.

You saw my post, obviously joking and proceeded to write a whole fucking story about me disrespecting my mum. Qof waalan aad tahay oo xishood leheen weliba. Never ever bring my mom up again, you deranged dog.

 

[mr steal your naag 3]

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If you know how many similair stories i heard from other young somali people about their father. Espacially the part where they are old and want to reconect not because they care about you but because they want you to take care of him. Pure shameless.

 

[Farahslayer]

I swear idilinna is a 60 year old habar who is second wife to a 5x divorced 70 year old Somali man. Her hobbies include : Edward scissorhaning her daughter’s genitalia, eating 3kg of pasta and complaining about her arthritis.

 

[Farahslayer]

Newsflash to you guys crying about deadbeat rights.

Somali men aren’t only deadbeats to their children and wives but also to their parents ESPECIALLY their Hooyos.

I’ve seen ayeeyos with 6+ kids being left alone without family because they had mostly sons. Random Somalis come to visit them because their sons do NOTHING. These deadbeats are incredibly parasitic and offer nothing to the community. All they do is take,take and take.

There’s actually an epidemic of elderly Somali women who are destitute and begging. None of them were childless.

Some even live off their Hooyos and sisters well into their 40s/50s. LITTLE sisters too!!!

 

[Colonelcfs]

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What a legend

 

[Xassan]

As a practising Muslim man, in this case I’d say screw Islam, tell your “dad” to kick rocks. Even faking nice is too much kindness. Loser bastard.

Dont say screw islam, astaghfirullah. Islam is not something a deadbeat father reminds you of to get handouts it is a lifestyle and it is guidance to right path to jannah

 

[Yaraye]

Ungrateful. He's still your father some people don't have fathers you should give him a chance maybe he changed.

No chances for a deadbeat. He had many years for a chance

 

[Yaraye]

the father is in the wrong and should apologies first, only then should you give him a second chance

Even if he apologizes. I will not financially support him. Emotional support and reconnection is burden enough. I will not do anything when it comes to labour or money.

 

[Yaraye]

Here's what you do OP, tell your father you and your siblings have managed to accrue some funds for his 'trip', say you got like 10k for him. I want you to really sell this, watch him swell with happiness and pride.

Then have his ass come to your place to collect said funds, look him dead in the eye, and say:

- 'You won't survive without us'

Then watch his face fall, I can only imagine the fallout that would ensue from this.

View attachment 350721

Looooool.

 

[Yaraye]

This is strategic btw, young men talk this way so that they can justify behaving this way in the future. When you normalize and undermine the injustice, it will continue and that’s why Somalis have very high rates of dead beat fathers. This has been systematically deemed acceptable.

I get that Islamically there should be a modicum of respect for the simple fact that he is her biological father, but this man is clearly sniffing for money and she would be well within her rights to respectfully shut this down.

I literally know friends who were in that exact position and were then emotionally blackmailed by their sperm donors. Some even mentally abused their mothers flaunting their preference for second wife and abandoning them as well which will obviously inflict trauma and deep disappointment whilst simultaneously being expected to fund the siblings of the second wife whom they were spurned for.

OP, pick up his calls, listen to his drivel for the sake of Allah but don’t ever send him money. Simply politely talk to him and if he presses, politely remind him that he has shirked on his duties. As a girl, he should be providing for you, you’re still under his wing since you’re unmarried, but due to some Somali men being effeminate they will still stick out their hands to ask their daughters for a pay off.

I plan to not financially provide anything to him. If he calls, I'll answer, listen, and politely interact. I have voiced once to my mother that i would not financially help him or anything that involves labor. My mother scolded me and starting lecturing me about deen.

However i'm standing 10 toes on it. Only talk and prayers for that deadbeat, no money or labour

 

[Yaraye]

Many on the thread keep advising me to have a conversation with this person, give him another chance or accept his apology. I don't want to. What do you guys not understand about that. I have no love or hatred for him. I just want him to disappear like he did before lol.