Is it wrong I want my husband to find a second spouse so I don’t have to birth more children and we aren’t always together

[amaal]

here is my advice , as im married and have kids as well , i dont know you full situation so i cant say a lot however there is nothing wrong with asking for alone time. its easy to lose ourselves as mothers , so having your own personality important. my suggestion is maybe have a set schedule like friday evenings by going out . since the corona virus is out , have a drive get coffee. or whatever you please. have husband care for the kids . and Sunday morning have breakfast with the family and then maybe ask husband to care for the kid while you have an hour to yourself again .

as for second wife, if you really , deep down in your heart , want him to seek it , no problem . however , if its becouse he is "clingy" then i suggest you talk it out first and resolve a solution. then revisit the second wife thing .... give yourself time to process as well though ... istakara prayers too

inshallah khair macanto . sending hugs

 

[Basra]

If it’s not advisable then your health come first. I’m sure your husband don’t want to risk the health of his kids mother. A second wife add nothing but more headache your situation. It would mean not only less resources, but time he spends with current kids will diminish as he now has to alternate between two households

I always suspect YOU is a sus

 

[Jaydaan]

I always suspect YOU is a sus

Lool I gave the sister sound advice. Why me sus?

 

[Basra]

Lool I gave the sister sound advice. Why me sus?

U r betraying your manly instincts. Wouldn't u luv a second wife, to tell you I LOVE you more than the other wives?

 

[Jaydaan]

U r betraying your manly instincts. Wouldn't u luv a second wife, to tell you I LOVE you more than the other wives?

No because this man already has 3 kids. Another household comes with more responsibility and it’s not for everyone. It’s not for me personally

 

[amaal]

also wanted to add , food for thought , ask yourself is he healthy? like mentally capable to handle two house holds? also financially? you and the kid and the second wife and future kid? what your game plan if things turn a hard left?

i really do think this situation is fixable without bring in a second wife .

 

[Basra]

No because this man already has 3 kids. Another household comes with more responsibility and it’s not for everyone. It’s not for me personally

Well you could live with the other wives around and help each others chores and kids?

 

[amaal]

Well you could live with the other wives around and help each others chores and kids?

well .. that doesnt sound right to live under the same roof . dont you think itll cause alot of argument and imagine the confusion the kid will have ... there is a lot to take in

 

[Haadiyahabdirahman]

The same household doesn’t sound like a good idea at all as we have a great relationship and I feel If she doesn’t have a great one with him it would be extremely awkward for me and my children in my 8 years of marriage, we have never had a shouting match, any problem we came across we’ve solved in a friendly and respectful debate but some of my friends relationships scare me, it would just not be comfortable for me or the kids or even him they should keep their relationship in their own home and private I think

 

[Jaydaan]

Well you could live with the other wives around and help each others chores and kids?

I dont want to dedicate my whole life to two wife....even one is too much headache for me. One has to know his limitations. I also love my own time and be alone.

 

[Basra]

I dont want to dedicate my whole life to two wife....even one is too much headache for me. One has to know his limitations. I also love my own time and be alone.

I respect it . The motivator Jordan Peterson was asked by a feminist


Why are you not a classical male? Wanting to impregnate women? Here u r feminine, crying at command, well dressed, etc etc

He quickly answered


No. One wife is too much trouble

 

[Desert Flower]

Sis, you say your husband has money so why doesn’t he spend it on YOU instead of another woman? How’d you feel if he married another woman that’s high maintenance and expects all this stuff? Which he ends up buying for her? Would you be jealous?

Don’t even tell him what you want - men listen by actions. Get a cleaner, reduce your hours at work and have me time. Your babies will thank you. Kids grow up so fast so spend lots time with them. Also if you don’t want more kids, don’t. Tell him to be thankful for what Allah gave y’all. Best of luck.

Put yourself first. Unapologetically.

 

[Hodan from HR]

The family dynamics will change and think how that will affect your children. You said you had CS for all your three kids and I've also heard it is not advisable to carry pregnancy after that. If your husband really loves you, shouldn't he be understanding and content with these three?


Polgamy in your situation, is you putting a band-aid to a bullet wound, a temporary fix. The real issue are not addressed in your relationships with both your family side and your husband. I sense alot of guilt and codependancy in you abaayo macaan.

Have a deep honest talk with both your husband and mother. Cut of this "I have to be strong and not let them down" bs because it is dehumanizing. Don't be afraid of appearing weak. Cry out your frustrations to them and tell them what you can and can't do. If they really love you and care about your well-being, they'll come around.

 

[Hodan from HR]

Sarah, prophet Ibrahim wife got jealousy and into her feelings when she was the one who suggested he marries Hagar. If a woman like her was affected, there is no guarantee you won't feel the same way.


I am completely against it because children are involved too. Think how you kids will be affected. What if they don't wanna share their daddy's time with another household? Are you taking their feelings into consideration?

I hope you find real solutions to your problems abayo.

 

[Basra]

Sarah, prophet Ibrahim wife got jealousy and into her feelings when she was the one who suggested he marries Hagar. If a woman like her was affected, there is no guarantee you won't feel the same way.


I am completely against it because children are involved too. Think how you kids will be affected. What if they don't wanna share their daddy's time with another household? Are you taking their feelings into consideration?

I hope you find real solutions to your problems abayo.

That is an interesting take. But the idea that she allowed the marriage to happen in the first place cannot be verified.

 

[Guardafui]

Urgh marriage can be exhausting this is exactly the reason why I never romanticise it but these men just want you to pop a baby every year like a machine while you just want to relax and live your life after few kids yeah ask him to give you a break hit the gym, get your snatch back, travel, have hobbies, make money etc live your life don’t live for him your mental health comes first.

 

[Molotoff]

@Haadiyahabdirahman I think I speak for 95% of farahs on the forum when I say: "we salute you". If all halimos could be as understanding as you are...

 

[KillStreakIsCool]

I see Haadiyah's Husband is unlike me. I value my PS4 and Netflix over a woman's shenanigans.

 

[Hodan from HR]

That is an interesting take. But the idea that she allowed the marriage to happen in the first place cannot be verified.

You might be right @Basra

The way I remember the story is, Hagar was Sarah slavegirl. Sarah couldn't conceive so she urges Ibrahim to sleep with Hagar. Then Sarah become jealousy because Ibrahim is now caring more for pregnant Hagar.

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[KillStreakIsCool]

@Haadiyahabdirahman I think I speak for 95% of farahs on the forum when I say: "we salute you". If all halimos could be as understanding as you are...

One is too many though saxib in terms of responsibility. Even a wife as understanding as Haadiyah, some guys like minimal interaction and lots of me time themselves. If the attraction to polygamy is sex, one wife can provide the same.

One is too many in my view.