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My cousin divorced her husband, "This is not your house."
- Thread starter Yaraye
- Start date
Spot on sis.
In the Somali community, men benefit from staying married no matter what, because they expect home-cooked meals and a single-married woman who does everything. Why on earth would any man file for divorce. It doesn't suit them. They're more than happy to stay with a woman, even if they can't stand her, by staying out at all hours, or marrying another wife.
That doesn't mean they are actually 'present' by doing husband duties, father duties or general household duties.
This particular man in the story, called her bluff and actually 'kicked her out', and had the audacity to expect her to stay married to him, after she was unceremoniously dumped in the middle of the night. Even if she children with him, no child deserves to witness such callous behaviour, it's abusive. They're better off co-parenting (and pray he doesn't do the same to his children).
He did it to himself.
Even if she 'emasculated' him to the point where he kicked her out at night, then, why is he asking for her to return? The relationship is toxic and if there are children in this union, it's better to co-parent from a safe distance.
He either couldn't stand her, or lacks the patience to be married to her. So, muxuu ka raba? More buuq? What's next? Calling the police?
It's absolutely abnormal and shocking for a woman to be told to leave and that it's 'not her house', that's shaqo gaalo and abusive gaalo at that.
As for those who have an issue with Somali women, please, marry a foreign lady. There are loads of them on marriage apps.
I want all entitled Somali men to go and see how Cadaan women/Asian women act. No, you will not get away with making her a single-married woman and she will absolutely take you to court, if you stay things like "it's not your house". And forget about long "business" trips abroad, she'll follow you with the children. They will never accept any of the cultural edab daro, that Somali mothers suffer through.
None of that 'gaari' or 'raaliyo' culture, where the woman is praised for doing everything like a donkey.
Go see if the grass is greener... on the litigious side of the world
I want all entitled Somali men to go and see how Cadaan women/Asian women act. No, you will not get away with making her a single-married woman and she will absolutely take you to court, if you stay things like "it's not your house". And forget about long "business" trips abroad, she'll follow you with the children. They will never accept any of the cultural edab daro, that Somali mothers suffer through.
None of that 'gaari' or 'raaliyo' culture, where the woman is praised for doing everything like a donkey.
Go see if the grass is greener... on the litigious side of the world
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I support two-parent, stable homes, but each situation is unique, and we donβt know the specific reasons behind her decision, particularly what may have led up to it. Likely, it wasnβt a single statement but an accumulation of invalidations over time.
Relationships are complex, and the idea of 'riding out' a marriage doesnβt universally apply, especially in situations involving harm or ongoing disrespect. As @Journey pointed out, some Somali women find themselves in relationships where they shoulder most of the load due to emotionally or physically absent husbands, what they call married single mothers. While fathers are certainly important, they arenβt the only stabilizing force, and not all fulfill this role well. Iβm fortunate to have a well-adjusted father Alx, but even he acknowledges that many menβacross all backgrounds struggle to lead as reliable patriarchs.
Accountability in marriage is shared. If one partner is causing repeated harm, expecting the other to endure it indefinitely is unrealistic, especially at the cost of their well-being or the stability of their children.
For many, divorce is a last resort and a weighty decision. Reducing a womanβs choice to leave a harmful relationship (including emotional harm) to a 'flimsy ego' overlooks the complexity involved in making such a decision.
While divorce can affect children, so too can remaining in a toxic or dysfunctional marriage. Ideally, both partners would seek support to reconcile issues, but when harm is involved, Islam permits divorce for a reason. Itβs not ideal, but sometimes itβs necessary for peace and stability.
Inquisitive_
VIP
Your father and mother had plenty of major arguments much worse than "this is my house respect me" wether you know about it or not, but they persevered through it.
In those days it was mostly arranged marriages unlike today, at what point are you going to hold these women accountable?
They picked their own partners, dated them for months and years often against the advice of family, birds of a feather flock together, whatever bad they say about him reflects even worse on her as she is the one that picked him.
What happened to perseverance through the consequences of your own actions ?
I didn't think you too embraced perpetual victimhood
all that from her saying i dissagreeits clear who has an overinflated ego lmao
She supports home wrecking and making a poor girl fatherless, while I support the opposite, but of course in your deranged delusional world what she is doing is good, because you have the same predisposition to destroy rather than build.
You brought the 25% figure not me, divorce has never been as rife as it is today and to argue it was is simply false and shows your out of touch with reality.
Go and speak to the masjid boards responsible for matrimonials, speak to football and basketball coaches that train large group of young males, speak to youth club leaders, speak to community leaders, even the those female lead agree.
He'll even speak to the countless females raised in fatherless homes, it's an absolute pandemic we are talking 75% divorce figures if not worse.
Even the Non Muslims haven't gone as low as we have, your clearly out of touch with reality so there is no point even continuing this discussion.
It's been over a decade now and I have yet to come across a case were the male wanted divorce and the wife wanted to save the marriage, or even a case of mutual divorce, it's always the xaalimos that want it, this is of course universal it's not just xaalimos, but they are far worse then the rest.
There is no accountability and responsibility in your post just pure victimhood, unlike the history your so fixated with, the diaspora xaalimo's gets to pick their own husbands with the unprecedented opportunity to date him for months or years before marrying him, something unheard of in history.
But you want us to believe that they are all just innocent, bad at choosing their own partners, and that all of these males are just terrible, hence they are justified to be homewreckers.
They select, they choose to date, they choose to marry them, than they choose to divorce them, unprecedented power that is used to destroy rather build.
You clearly haven't read the first post of the OP, he didn't kick her out, she left on her own volition which is actually against Islam.
Even if he divorced her, they have to stay together in the same house until the iddah period expires, he is not allowed to kick her out nor is she allowed to leave.
This is basic Islam, but because of your emotional rage, and predisposition to home wrecking, your incapable to even discern the basics, or even comprehend the basics facts of her message.
HuunoHunter
Old Head π΄πΏ
Yeah I agree that diasporan Somalis should marry out and assimilate in to their respective host countries that they reside in, instead of continuing this painful existence of qabyaaladnimo iyo foodho
Heβs a misogynist that expects women to grin and bear it and heβs been here for years and this has been his shtick.
@Inquisitive_ I do not have the energy to respond to your nonsense, but have a good read of what Journey has wrote.
Half of these so called seperations arenβt even divorces, many Somali women are still married but their husband chooses to neglect them and live back home with a younger wife.
As for the men, why would a man want to get a divorce when they can neglect their wives and marry again and come home to a fresh meal and laundry?
Men can literally lead a life devoid of responsibility and start a new family, women canβt and tbh many Somali women arenβt even divorced but neglected. Married women who are single mothers. A very normal phenomenon youβd never touch upon.
Also, I know Somali women whoβd love to get a divorce but canβt since their husbands wonβt give them one. Islamically a woman cannot divorce herself, hence the fact that you talk about βaccountabilityβ but wonβt even acknowledge that itβs men who have the power of talalq hence these divorces are indeed a two way street shows how dishonest you are.
The UK doesnβt have proper Khula courts, these women need the permission of their husband so get out of here with your inaccurate word vomit.
Probably has to be the silliest point. If people had to persevere though the consequences of their choice, divorce wouldnβt halal. You also donβt seem to have the understanding that a toxic relationship is worse and sometimes leads to even more issues for you and the children than divorce. No one thinks people should separate over something small, but you seem to think that people should stay no matter what,
Youβre out of touch with history and have a romanticized version. Youβre crying about women leaving due to arguments and toxicity, but what about the men of old you look up to who divorced to make way for a younger wife which even shocked foreigners?
Even now, you canβt help but also romanticize back home when the divorce rates are higher but people marry and remarry at a way higher rate.
Side note: youβre jumbling a lot of things together. These girls that grew up In fatherless homes are the daughters of Boomers and Gen X who arenβt diaspora women but women who were mostly raised back home but came to the West as married women. Many of them also has arranged marriages.
Young diaspora have an opposite issue which is later marriages or many still being unmarried. Itβs the traditional ones with high divorces who are the mothers and fathers of those raised in the West.
Youβre confused and conflate a lot of things together. A marker of volatile emotions.
Also, another thing I need to add is that since you love the Western statistics of women filing for divorce which I pointed out has nothing to do with us, the same study also argues that women do more to try and save the marriage and tend to try out counseling and involving family help and another factor is that it is a fact that unfortunately men tend to do more big scale deal breaking actions like infidelity, drug abuse, weaponised incompetence and the list continues.
If youβre going to use the whole women file more nonsense, donβt forget the rest of the study
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Inquisitive_
VIP
Your conflating too many things together, couples that are persevering Vs lunatic diaspora xaalimo that wreck their homes over nothing.
As for the persevering couples it's not just the xaalimos doing this, but also the males who are denied basic marital rights that go unfilled for years and decades as well as basic respect especially our older generation, regardless of these challenges I respect these couples.
Don't conflate this with those homewrecking females in the diaspora who pick and select their own husbands only to divorce them in the majority of cases over minor things that happen in all marriages that normal people just deal with.
I am not talking about the cases were divorce is legitimate, but these are not the majority and we both know this.
This thread is a perfect example that illustrates my point, all the xaalimos are singing from that same homewreckng hymn sheet in unison and support divorce, while the majority of males don't.
The sad part here is that most of these females haven't even read the thread properly and think the male kicked the wife and daughter out, which the OP didn't even state.
If that's not being predisposed to homewrecking I don't know what is, they made a decision based conjecture that even the OP that is pro Homewrecking didn't even state.
But this is the issue with being predisposed to wreck and destroy, facts don't matter, basic reading comprehension don't matter, and things like patience and perseverance are alien concepts.
We are strictly talking about our generation in the diaspora, don't conflate this with the Xaalimos of the same generation back home for whom I have great sympathy admiration and respect.
When your in doubt always look at the power dynamics, whoever has the most power is most at fault and in the west the male has no power.
This is why in Somalia I predominantly blame the males because they have the power, yet divorce rates their are nothing in comparison to here.
